Life
Lessons
“When
we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added layer
of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin
covering is the beginning of loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes our
chances of joy.”
Mark
Nepo (The Book of Awakening)
For a
Southern woman, this is one of the hardest lessons life has to offer. We are
steeped from conception in how to mince our words, how to say things in a
non-threatening manner, and how to obfuscate and straight up lie if we think
what we have to say will not be well received. If we can’t say something in a
way that will not upset the apple cart, we simply say, “Well, bless your heart.”
It’s cliché, I know, but true.
So,
learning how to speak oneself plainly is an up-hill struggle. I can speak for
myself—there was a lot of my life that I bit my tongue, held my breath, because
when a woman speaks her mind in Southern company she is perceived as angry, or
aggressive, or “nasty.” Un-learning that is a challenge. The result is that we wait
until provoked to the point of exploding, and then the communication truly is
angry, and usually aimed below the belt. No one can hear that sort of message
without putting up their defenses.
The
trick is, and I am still a novice at this, learning how to form words into
sentences that are both direct and non-aggressive. It’s not an easy thing to
do. When someone says something we need to respond to, that hesitation Mark Nepo writes about in the quote above, is the beginning of cloaking
ourselves. Of disguising our truth behind a curtain of veils. The danger in doing this cloaking is, and I speak this from experience, that no one truly knows us. If we fail to
reveal ourselves authentically, then no one can understand our true selves. It is a
lonely place to be. If we learn, and practice, couching our every thought and
every word in acceptable language, then we are not speaking from our hearts,
but from our brains. And, our relationships that are heart-based suffer as a
result. It’s a paradox that we hesitate for fear of hurting the relationship,
and in doing so, hurt the relationship even more.
The only
advice I can offer on this is meager because I am still learning myself. Just
be honest, communicate from your reality in a way that matches your heart.
Recognize your anger or frustration, but also stay connected to whomever you are
speaking to. Remember this: “life is always where you are,” (Nepo) and honesty is the
best connection. Good luck with this.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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