Family Stories

Memories

“Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth, but not its twin.”

Barbara Kingsolver

It's always interesting to spend time with relatives and tell stories about “the good old days.” We'll be doing a lot of that over the next few weeks, with the holidays in full swing. In telling the old tales of family, of childhood exploits and chicanery, it's well to remember what Barbara Kingsolver alludes to in the quote above: our memory is simply one version of events. What we remember from childhood, especially if we're many decades away from it, as I am, is composed of actual memory overlaid by feelings and emotions, as well as images from photographs and other people's descriptions. In other words, we tell our stories to the best of our ability, and they have some truth to them, but they may not be a factual retelling of events. They are, nevertheless, true for us.

As children, we have only partial understanding of what is happening around us simply because we don't have enough life experience to comprehend and explain it. Also, because whatever happened has had a lifetime of emotional baggage loaded on top of it; what we remember may be the feelings of the child more than actual facts. Most of us do not have narrative memory, but only “snapshot” memory. We rarely have the historical background or an expansive view, but only our limited experience of what took place—kind of like looking through a mail-slot in a door—we can't see the whole picture.

All of this is not meant to rain on your family stories; only to inform their veracity. They're still good stories, so, by all means, tell them. In fact, it's fun to have each person tell their version of the same event simply to see the differences. That helps us add to our “memory,” and expand the narrative for the next time we tell it. There's nothing as bonding as shared stories, and the holidays are all about bonding and reestablishing connections. I hope you tell your family stories this year, and I hope you listen carefully as others tell them, too. Those stories serve as road maps to your true identity. Take notes.

                                                           In the Spirit,

                                                              Jane