Raw Material for Research:

Family Gatherings

“Remember that you are all people and all people are you.”

Joy Harjo (Poet Laureate of the United States)

As we move toward the holidays and the gatherings with family and friends, this is a good reference point to remember—you are all people and all people are you. If you have to interface with folks you don't enjoy being around but can't avoid, try seeing them as teacher and mirror. If someone gets on your last nerve so much that you want to punch them in the snout, you can bet they reflect an aspect of your shadow of which you are unaware. The very thing about them that makes you want to scream belongs to you, too. Remember that you are here in the “earth school” to learn, and if you are open to learning, these family gatherings are a rich source of research. As Joy Harjo points out in her writing, the debris from family and cultural trauma provides the raw materials for bridge building. We can use it to wound ourselves more deeply, or we can learn from it, and mine if for the gold hidden within. Being one step removed is helpful—for instance, being an observer rather than a participant in the family drama.

Some of us enjoy family celebrations more than others, and when necessary, we should give ourselves permission to “just say no.” There's definitely some benefit to being outside one's comfort zone, but if there is something you feel threatened by or you know for certain is simply going to bring you down, respectfully decline. We don't have to experience torture to know what hurts. Part of being a grown-up is knowing how and when to take care of yourself. If there's a scene that plays out every holiday that you feel is particularly mean-spirited, simply remove yourself from it. You'd be surprised at how having one family member's refuse to play the game can defuse the moment. Families are systems that require everyone to play their role. When one person steps out of character, everything tilts off course.

Most of us love our families, despite the annual food fight. We are joined by heart and history, and know that whatever meanness we encounter comes from a place of wounding. We don't have to take the bait. We can diffuse anger with kindness rather than throwing fuel on the fire. We can use the occasions we are together to find new paths to one another if we choose. It helps to remember that these are our people—our blood and bone—they reflect us and we reflect them.

                                                                In the Spirit,

                                                                   Jane