Emotional
Courage
“Toxic
positivity is not genuine encouragement at the right time. Toxic positivity is
maintaining that one should have a positive mindset and exude only positive
emotions and thoughts at all times, particularly when things are difficult.
This approach is damaging because it discounts and discredits emotions that are
not positive.”
Tiffany
Sauber Millacci, Ph.D.
I
recently read a friend’s account of a discussion in her cancer support group
about the things people say to them when they learn their diagnosis. She used
the term, “toxic positivity.” I understand that people say idiotic stuff when
someone is going through a crisis—such as cancer, death of a loved one, a
disastrous loss—that is meant to be helpful but is not. But I had never heard
the term “toxic positivity.” Research into the subject showed me that whole
books have been written about it. In fact, one by Barbara Ehrenreich is titled,
Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America. She decries “reckless
optimism.” The advice we tend to give comes when we don’t know what to say,
so we resort to “look on the bright side,” or “you have to stay positive,” or
worst of all, “you should be grateful for what you DO have.” My favorite one
from down here in the Southland is, “Just give it to the Lord and he’ll take
care of everything.” Please!
What
should one say to someone who is going through an emotional crisis? Most of the
time, don’t say anything, just be there. If you are compelled to speak, ask
what they need, say how sorry you are, ask how you can help. Don’t advise them
not to feel what they feel and certainly don’t admonish them to “look on the
bright side!” We say and do things like that to protect ourselves from their
emotions, and to deny the trauma they are experiencing. Something inside us
fears it might be contagious and if we talk about it openly, we just might
catch it too.
To gain
agility in the emotional arena takes courage. We must allow ourselves to feel
what we feel, and sometimes, that’s painful, even terrifying. But denying what
we feel, and instead attempting to replace it with positivity is not effective,
and actually increases our stress rather than diminishing it. As the 12-Step
people say, the best way through it is through it. Feel what you feel; allow it
to be what it is—for yourself, and for others. Then make slight changes; for
instance, do one difficult thing—something that increases your confidence that
you can handle painful emotions.
Denial is a defense
mechanism that, at most, buys time. It is helpful for instance after someone dies.
We know we must get through the immediate aftermath and do what must be done
for the funeral without disintegrating. We feel numb because we are shut down
emotionally. If we continue to be in denial indefinitely to protect ourselves
from the pain of loss, we will be blunting all our feelings, including our
passion, our creativity, and our joy. Feeling what we feel is the best and
shortest way to feeling good again.
Toxic positivity is not
helpful. Authentic empathy in which we meet people, including ourselves, where
they/we are is helpful. It’s okay to be sad. The positive emotions will return;
they’re right there, on the other side of whatever is being suppressed. It just
takes emotional courage to find them.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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