Overcoming
Shame
“In the face of an obstacle which is
impossible to overcome, stubbornness is stupid.”
Simone de Beauvoir
Is
there something in your life that feels impossible to overcome? It’s hard, isn’t
it? That is the way I feel about computers and technology. As someone who spent most of her life writing letters on paper and mailing them at the post office, I would be
perfectly comfortable without a computer or a cell phone. I am tech ignorant to
such a degree that when I am on a call with tech support, I can’t even competently
follow directions. It seems they give them to me in another language and, since
they are invariably sitting in a call center, I can’t hear their words for the
background noise. I’m sure everyone there will be stone cold deaf by the time
they’re forty. I would like to throw my computer out the window and never look
at one again. But I don’t. That would be stupid, right? I just admit that I’m
ignorant and keep going.
There
are some things in our lives over which we are powerless. I know that is an
unpopular notion. “We can overcome all obstacles! No one can stop us!” Sorry,
but that is simply not true. Everyone has something over which they are
powerless. My friend, Andy, for instance, was afraid of heights. I didn’t know
this about him until we were half-way up a spiral staircase inside a light
house. I heard huffing and puffing behind me and looked around to find him in a full-blown
panic attack. That meant we had to struggle through the crowd climbing up to
try and get back on the ground. I confess to having given him a rough time—not for
having a panic attack, but for failing to tell me he was afraid of heights—especially
since we paid $10.00 each for the tickets. He didn’t tell me because he was
ashamed. That’s almost always the case when we are powerless over something and
don’t want to admit it.
It’s
okay to be unable to do something—that’s human—but it’s another thing to lie
about it. Especially to yourself. I will never be a great dancer, though it was
my childhood dream. Now, I’m awkward and uncoordinated. Alvin Ailey is not
likely to come looking for me. There is no shame in that. It is simply true.
I think shame started in
the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve discovered their nakedness and dressed up
in fig leaves. The church found shame a good way to control the masses, and
made it a pillar of their teachings. We can track it back to the dawn of human
history, just as we can track it back to childhood in our own lives. Born
innocent, someone teaches us to feel shame. Something that can be taught can
also be unlearned. What I have found to be the enemy of shame is honesty. This
is something I am powerless over; this is something I don’t do well; I don’t
know how; I don’t understand; are all good responses to obstacles. Any of them
can be followed by “Will you teach me?” Humility about human foibles is the
best medicine for overcoming shame.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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