Self-Knowledge
“Intimacy, like charity, begins at
home. If we cannot be intimate with ourselves, we have no one to bring to
intimacy with another person.”
Anne Wilson Schaef (Meditations for
Women Who Do Too Much, Jan. 24, Harper Collins, 1990)
Being
intimate with oneself simply means knowing oneself from basement to attic. It
means walking through the house of one’s own psyche and opening all the doors
and windows to let the light in. We go through so much of our lives being outer
focused; with all our energy going out to others, to causes and commitments,
that we hardly have basic, working knowledge of who lives inside our skin. I
have a clear memory of someone asking me in my mid-forties, “What do you want
to do?” I honestly had no clue. I had not spent one minute asking myself that
question. There was always the next thing required of me; always a long list of
unfinished or unaddressed tasks stacked up and waiting for attention. Which is
why the second half of life is so important spiritually and psychologically.
At that point, we finally
need to know. We need to find out who lives here because many of the tasks and diversions
fall away once children are reared and the nest is empty. That is often a time
of total, or near-total, collapse for women (or men) who have been the primary
parent. For some, this time is like opening the cage door to let the bird fly
away, and for some it is like being expelled from a beloved profession. For
everyone, it is an opportunity to unlock the doors we hid from ourselves and
explore those spaces within. If we fail to do that, we miss some exceptionally important
developmental milestones.
Becoming intimate with
oneself takes time, energy, courage, and sometimes, a lot of help. I read a million
self-help books, went to therapy, became active in a spiritual community, and
joined many other seekers in exploring a range of possibilities. I discovered my
best means of learning and expressing—teaching and writing—and I threw myself
into them. I tapped into my own quirky creativity and began, for the first time
in my life, to take it seriously. I realize now what a privilege it was to be able
to do that, but at the time it simply felt like a matter of life and death.
If we want to have true
intimacy in our lives—and we all do—we must first know who we are. Warts
and all. Otherwise, we have no real person to bring to any relationship. We may
find pleasure in physical intimacy, but if we do not bring a whole, integrated
person to it, even that feels empty with time.
With self-knowledge, a
whole new world opens to us. A world in which we feel solid, competent, strong,
and capable of standing on our own two feet. We are not easily swayed by shiny
objects, or shady people. We make good decisions because we know what we want
and what works best for us. It is hard work to get there, but once you do, it
is a good place to be. It does not mean that you never make stupid mistakes or
do dumb things. It does mean that you don’t trash yourself when that happens. It
means that you join the human race! You are now a member of this non-exclusive club.
Let the people say, Hallelujah! And, Amen.
In the Spirit,
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