Family
Dynamics
“If
you don’t know where you’re going, turn around and make sure you know where you’re
coming from.”
African
saying (Found in Mark Nepo’s book, Finding Inner Courage, p.150; “Tendencies”)
We all
have inborn and acquired tendencies that operate unconsciously. One of mine is
to turn off lights when I leave a room. It’s instinctual for me because I was
raised by Depression-era parents, who knew that burning lights when no one is
in the room is a waste of money. When I did that as a child, they yelled at me.
Thus, I was conditioned to turn off lights, and that tendency has persisted. So,
I notice that none of my younger neighbors turn off the lights in their houses
when they go to bed. My very first thought, as you might guess, is to criticize
them for being wasteful and entitled. Then I remember that their parents were
two or three generations away from the depression and did not live with that
ethic.
We learn many of our “tendencies”
from our parents and grandparents. In my case, that includes the tendency to be
critical of others for not being like me. My parents also had tendencies toward
taking care of others, keeping secrets, absolute paternal authority, and being fatherlike
toward family members who were less well off and toward people who worked for
them. My mother showed love by acts of service—cooking three meals a day,
making all our school clothes, providing home for our paternal grandmother, and
taking care of my disabled sister and her own father until their deaths. She
wasn’t very demonstrative in showing love in other ways. My father lived to
work and treated his employees like family members—often taking money out of
his personal savings to cover payroll in winter when civil engineering work
came to a virtual halt. He was more affectionate than mother, but his true life
was lived among his men.
Some of these tendencies have
stuck like glue to me—like the tendency to be critical, and blessedly, my
family’s “cooking gene.” I noticed last week that my cousin Sandy has that one,
too. And when I think back through our shared family lineage, almost all the
women were great cooks. We seem to have an inherited instinct for it. Looking
back and tracing the tendencies of one’s lineage can be healing—not only for us,
but for our ancestors, who did not have the opportunity, luxury, or skills to
self-evaluate.
You must be wondering
what all this has to do with you. And more to the point, what it has to do with
spirituality. As always, it has to do with consciousness. If we are awake and fully
aware of our personal and inherited tendencies, we are more likely to repeat
the good ones and modify the not-so-good ones. As Mark Nepo says in his chapter
on Tendencies, “when we are unconscious and unaware, the urge to look back
is seldom healing or integrating, but more often an escape from facing what is
necessary to stay authentic.” But when we identify our patterns and keep
them in the forefront of our minds, we know when we are triggered and how to
avoid the trap of repeating them. I don’t have to be critical, for instance,
just because my parents were. I can choose differently only because I know that
I have inherited that tendency.
I’ve been binging on the
TV show “Brothers and Sisters.” The Walker family is a hot mess, but also highly
intelligent—a deadly combination. They are loving, caring, and supportive of
each other, but have a strong tendency to keep secrets in the guise of protecting
each other. That family ethic is finally blown apart by Justin, the youngest of
the five brothers and sisters, who is a recovering addict. In the 12-step
programs you learn to be truthful, to not keep secrets, and to speak honestly
from the heart. His frustration with his family’s habit of lying to one another
finally comes to a head and he just blabs all the family secrets at once and
then lets the chips fall where they may. It’s pretty rending, but eventually,
since this is a TV show, they come to terms. That doesn’t always happen. It may
be cathartic to blast everyone away, but it doesn’t promote healing.
Consciousness does.
We’re going into the
Christmas season when families will gather to celebrate. I don’t recommend
blowing up Christmas by outing everyone’s the dirty little secrets, but I do
recommend being aware of how they affect you, and how you defend yourself. How
do you participate in the family tendencies? Which have persisted in you—good or
bad? Can you look back and see the lineage of “tendencies” your family has
bequeathed you? Just appreciate your ability to stay conscious, to observe without
criticism and to model healthy relationships. Enjoy the time together as one more
lesson in the Earth School.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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