Shedding
Regret
“There
is nothing in this world that can trouble you more than your own thoughts.”
Anonymous
After my
friend Andy’s final passage, I watched as people sorted through their last
words with him, their last encounters and wondered whether they had said or
done “the right thing.” We all do this, don’t we? Some of the people I was with
lay awake wondering what more they could have said or done to make his death
easier for him and for his children. We are wired to mull over and ruminate
when we are troubled, and we cause ourselves many a sleepless night.
The
fact is that once someone is gone, it doesn’t matter to them; it only matters
to those of us left behind. We can make lists of things we wish we had said or
done, we can think of amends to make, we can say to that person on the other
side that we are sorry, that we will miss them, and that we wish we had done it
better. It is not too late—ever.
Carrying
a burden of guilt and remorse will not bring the person back, nor will it help
them in the hereafter. It will only poison the ground for you and for everyone
who loves and cares for you. Find a symbolic way to make amends and let it go.
I like lists or letters, written and then burned. Be sure to create sacred
space by lighting a candle, saying a prayer, and giving the one whose
forgiveness you seek a heartfelt apology. Then ask for their forgiveness. Listen
for an answer. I have never known anyone who asked a departed loved one for
forgiveness who did not receive it. For the one who has died, lack of
forgiveness tethers their soul to this world and to this lifetime. They want to
move on.
Don’t
carry regrets. It’s like dragging around a bag of rocks—it just slows you down,
tires you out, and it doesn’t help anyone. As the 12-Step folks say, “Let go
and let God.” It’s the best gift you can give yourself and the one who has died.
Both souls are freed by such an act of love.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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