Irritating
Friends
“In
those days, among the people I mixed with, one had friends almost by
predestination. There they were, like your winter coat and your
meager luggage. You didn't think of discarding them just because you
didn't altogether like them.”
Muriel
Spark (Loitering With Intent)
We can all think of
people in our history, or currently in our circle of friends and
acquaintances, who we don't especially love, but who, for some
reason, we hang in there with. They bring a nuance to our lives that
wouldn't otherwise exist, and they give us someone on whom to foist
our generalized irritation. I think for instance of a woman who was
friends with my mother for almost all their lifetimes—her name was
Estelle, and she lived across the street. Estelle taught sixth grade
for forty-six years. She was a tall, gangly woman who had a very busy
and active mind. She was well-read and interested in all manner of
things that my mother was not, and she was always curious about what
went on in other people's houses—especially my mother's. When she
saw an unfamiliar car in Mother's driveway, you could expect a knock
on the door. She irritated my mother no end with all her questions,
but Mother always opened the door and invited her in. Estelle was, in
Mother's mind, just part of the household; like a chair you inherit
from your grandmother that's ugly and uncomfortable, and no one wants
to sit on, but you keep it because it's “family.”
In Louise Penny's Three
Pines Mystery series, there's a character named Ruth, an old, drunken
poet, whose pet is a duck, Rosa. Ruth is profane, a thief, and an
equal opportunity offender, but everybody loves her and puts up with
her no matter what she says or does. And, there's Shirley MacLaine's
character, Ouiser Boudreaux, in the movie, Steel Magnolias, who is
obnoxious and irritating, but always included in the circle of
friends. We all have a Ouiser in our circle that we wouldn't think of
getting rid of because they are one of us; they give context and
texture to the group.
In my experience, the
people who aggravate us most hold a mirror up to something we don't
like about ourselves. Something just below the level of consciousness
that we catch glimpses of, but don't pursue because we don't really
want to see it in ourselves. There's a Ruth in me, and a Ouiser, as
well; and I dare say, they are in you too. There is someone in the world,
maybe more than one someone, whose skin we crawl under. Someone who
grits their teeth, and bites their tongue, and yet, opens the door when we
knock. We should give thanks for that person, and rejoice that they
keep showing us hospitality. Our imperfections are what make us
human, and we all belong to the family.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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