"You don't understand!"

Understanding

“'You don't understand me. Nobody understands me.' It's a cry that comes from all of us at those moments when circumstances separate us from others or we feel too weary from trying and too unable to communicate the content of our hearts. And it is probably true. No one does understand us.”

                     Ken Nerburn (Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace)

Anyone who has ever sat through a couples' counseling session has heard these words. As has anyone who has ever been, or lived with, a teenager. “You don't understand!” is the mantra of the adolescent. And they are absolutely correct—nobody understands why we do and say the things we do and say in moments of anguish. It's a paradox that at the very time we most need understanding, we are least able to communicate in such a way that others can cross the bridge to where we are. Sometimes we don't understand it ourselves.

When we feel this isolated, our inclination is to retreat. To go off and lick our wounds, so to speak. Being misunderstood ushers in feelings of overwhelming loneliness. Often it is the person or persons we most want to be known by, that we feel most estranged from. Our significant other, especially when we have been together for a decade or more, 'should' know us', we think.

Sometimes, there is resistance to understanding in all of us. If truly hearing and grasping another person's reality in any way threatens us, or our way of being in the world, we may resist. We may say, 'I don't understand,' when in fact, we could more accurately say, 'I don't want to understand because it hurts too much.' Denial is, after all, the best defense mechanism ever invented. We may actually say, 'You don't mean that,' in order to pull the wool over our own eyes.

We all run up against misunderstanding more than once in our lives. Withdrawal is not the solution. One of the best ways of combating this most common of denominators is to seek to understand—to move toward and not away from. It takes maturity and strength of character to say, 'Help me to understand,' and then listen without putting everything said through the filter of our own need. Empathy is the ability to grasp another person's world view, to see through their eyes, even when it conflicts with our own. Without empathy, there is no hope for true relationship.

Saying, 'you don't understand,' leaves us with nowhere to go. Asking 'how can I help you to understand' or 'tell me what I am not understanding,' opens the door to possible real connection. And isn't that what we all want—to feel known and accepted just as we are?

                                               In the spirit,

                                               Jane