The Hook-Echo of Family

 

Gale Force Winds

“But in our anticipation and worry, we add layers to our fear. These added layers keep us from being fully alive. And so, we have to part the layers of our fear and worry in order to return to living our life.”

Mark Nepo (“Returning to the Center,” p. 38; Parabola, Fall 2022. From Surviving Storms by Mark Nepo; St. Martin’s Publishing Group, 2022)

          In this beautiful article for Parabola magazine, fall of 2022, Mark Nepo describes the pattern we humans have of moving away from the light within us and then returning to it. He calls it “straying and returning,” and uses the labyrinth as an image to demonstrate. Labyrinths are, as you know, laid out in a design that has you going toward and away from the center in a looping pattern. There is only one path on which you travel into the center and out again.

          So often, we follow this pattern in our lives; straying and returning, looping in one direction and then the other, coming close to the light at our center only to run away again. It is the rare being who can hold the center forever. I know for certain that I cannot. All it takes for most of us is a day in the lap of our family to pick up the old familiar behaviors, step into our role in the dance, and get swept away. We know the steps by heart, have danced them for generations upon generations. They are encoded in our DNA, and even though we know we’ve made progress, we stray. The reason that so many people who have grown up in dysfunctional families go into the therapeutic professions is that they are trying hard to break the mold. They learn the tools and how to use them, and most of the time are skilled in helping others with their dilemmas. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be caught in the spider web of the family themselves.

          Family systems are like the hook echo in storm clouds. We see them forming and right away we know they mean trouble. They set off a radar signal that alerts the safety protocols, the alarms begin sounding, and we know right then and there that we should head for the basement and get into our safe place. But we rarely do. We get caught up in the ego delusion that we can do it differently this time. This time, we’ll prevail; our center will hold.

          Sometimes, we can stop ourselves half-way up the basement stairs. The better part of wisdom kicks in; our guardian angels say, “Don’t do it. You’ll be sorry if you do.” Now and then, the light of consciousness blinks on, and helps us turn around and head back to the safety of the center. It feels so good not to be swept into the storm. And it feels truly awful to watch while others are sucked right into the funnel cloud of family pathology.

          I believe we’ve made significant progress when we can keep ourselves centered for sixty percent of the time. Be gentle with yourself in the face of the family system—it’s more powerful than you can imagine. And when you pray for others, don’t forget yourself. Gird your loins and ask for guidance. And remember that deep love exists even in the middle of the storm. It’s never too late to return to the light.

                                                  In the Spirit,

                                                  Jane