We Can Heal

 

Lifelong Issues

“Until we stop ourselves, or more often, have been stopped, we hope to put certain of life’s events ‘behind us’ and get on with our living. After we stop, we see that certain of life’s issues will be with us for as long as we live. We will pass through them again and again, each time with a new story, each time with a greater understanding, until they become indistinguishable from our blessings and our wisdom. It’s the way life teaches us how to live.”

Rachel Naomi Remen (Kitchen Table Wisdom)

          When I was a child growing up in a mill town, I felt inferior to the children of the wealthy. I had a substantial inferiority complex right through high school. When I got out of that little microcosm of the greater world, I felt better about myself. I went from being a C student in high school to being an A student in college and graduate school. I thought I had put inferiority “behind me” and moved on. But this week in Coffee Klatch, I mentioned that I was resisting the urge to “remodel my house” because my cousins are coming for a visit. Christine asked why I thought I should do that, and I told her that my cousins are wealthy; they live on a golf course. For the first time in a long time, my inferiority complex showed itself. Rationally, I know for a fact that wealth does not make a person superior, but I grew up being told I should show deference to “rich people” because they are “better than you.” Most poor children are schooled in shame from an early age.

          In those days, we were shamed for not wearing the right clothes and not going to the right summer camps. If our shoes were knock-offs and not the popular brand, we were the butt of scorn. Instead of feeling pity for those children who were so insecure they had to bully others to feel good about themselves, we joined their club—we shamed ourselves too. This is a form of trauma that today has become much worse because of the reach of social media. Now, children can shame each other virtually around the clock and because they are at a distance and not face to face, they can be far more personal and scathing in their attacks.

          As adults, all the things we “put behind us” rather than deal with, are still following along. They haven’t gone away. If we encounter something that triggers our original experience, boom! It’s right back in our faces. Over a lifetime the experience is repeated over and over until we stop running from it, and ignoring it, and start dealing with it. At that point, we have an opportunity to heal. Once we begin to examine what happened in our past that caused us shame, it diminishes.  One day, we find ourselves in a similar situation and realize that the feeling of shame is no longer attached to it. We’ve incorporated and healed it.

          I’m looking forward to my cousins’ visit. I fit neatly into the category of “bourgeois bohemian.” My home reflects that reality. Even though my cousins are different from me, they will love being here because they love me. It’s as simple as that. No cause for shame at all. Just cause for joy and hospitality. The same is true for you regardless of your lifetime issues.

                                                  In the Spirit,

                                                  Jane