Breath In/Breath Out

 

Holding On and Holding Back

“Every time we are willing to let the story line go, and every time we are willing to let go at the end of an out-breath, that’s fundamentally renunciation: learning how to let go of holding on and holding back.”

Pema Chodron (The Wisdom of No Escape, p.52; Shambala, 1991)

          Pema Chodron defines renunciation as, “realizing that our nostalgia for wanting to stay in a protected, limited, petty world is insane.” Her meaning is that the world is vast, and our potential is for experiencing it is equally enormous, so why do we cling to what is known and controlled. And yet, we do. We feel safer here, where we know what to expect and where things are familiar. I am just as cloistered as anyone else—more than most, actually. When I was younger and more sure-footed, I liked to ramble and discover parts unknown, but now, I go there in my mind, in books, and on my laptop. But I miss having earth under my feet.

          Wanting to discover new things and fear of losing control are mutually exclusive. We can plan a trip, for instance, down to the hour, mile, and meal. But that doesn’t account for happenstance, serendipity, or, if you are anything like me, getting lost. Even GPS is only accurate half the time. But here’s the thing, getting lost sometimes takes us where we need to go even when it’s not where we intended to go. Some of us try our very best to control every possibility—usually because we are afraid of what other people think. What we typically find is that no one else even notices. We put ourselves through untold stress trying to make everything perfect, and it’s entirely lost on others.

          When we try to create an environment that meets our standards of perfection, we are almost always disappointed. Sometimes we are even exhausted and depressed from the fatigue of our efforts. Is that how we want to live? As Mary Oliver wrote, “Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?” The soul, she says, is a window opening onto real life. Maybe it’s time for us to let go of our delusions and illusions and breathe. “Let go of holding on and holding back.” (Chodron) Maybe today is a good time to give it a try.

                                                  In the Spirit,

                                                  Jane