Self-Respect
“When
we bare our inwardness fully, exposing our strengths and frailties alike, we
discover a kinship with all living things and from this kinship a kindness
moves through us and between us. The mystery is that being authentic is the
only thing that reveals to us our kinship with life.”
Mark
Nepo (The Book of Awakening, p.31-32, Conari Press, 2000)
Who
doesn’t like to shine a light on their abilities while downplaying their
inadequacies? We all enjoy basking in the sunshine of our fifteen minutes of
fame, don’t we? It’s human, and it’s also human to behave as if we got there
all by ourselves. When this is the case, those who helped us along the way may
feel jealous and resentful. Failure to acknowledge others who contribute to our
successes often spells the end of a friendship or collaboration. It happens in
love relationships too.
Often, we feel an irritation
when a spouse or a partner is lavishly praised for doing something that we know
we were instrumental in bringing about. Sometimes we feel compelled to snipe when we
have a chance to bring down the “special person” by pointing out their clay
feet or their failures. Unfortunately, that only makes us look petty and vindictive.
The only thing that helps
in such circumstances is honesty about our feelings. We make ourselves
vulnerable and say the hard things—such as, “What you said really hurt me. I
didn’t feel seen or heard. I felt as though my hard work and dedication were
not acknowledged.” This kind of nakedness is scary and most of us avoid it. We want
to be known for our strengths only, and not expose the flawed human being on
the other side of the curtain. It is inauthentic and other people feel it. It
causes distrust.
One of our erroneous beliefs
is that if someone really knows the dark underbelly that exists within us, they
will go away and never return. Here is the truth—everybody has a dark
underbelly. The ones who know it and are not afraid of it do less damage with
it. They can separate out what is theirs from what is not. The more we attempt
to hide and cloak our negative attributes, they more power they gain and the
darker they become. Someone who is identified only with their light and rejects
their shadow side is someone to be avoided.
The other truth about
this is that we bond around our vulnerabilities rather than our strengths. A
person who shows no chinks in their armor is not someone you want to snuggle up
with, much less be vulnerable around. But a person who is not afraid to show
their humanness and own their mistakes is softer and more comfortable to be with. We feel as though it’s okay to be ourselves and undefended around them.
In other words, we feel safe.
It’s okay to have flaws—everyone
does. It’s okay, too, to allow other people to take center stage. There’s
plenty of room up there. If you are authentic and willing to show all of who you are, some
people will love you and some people will not—but you will respect yourself,
and that is what really matters.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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