Life’s
Task
“We
do know that no one gets wise enough to really understand the heart of another,
though it is the task of our life to try.”
Louise
Erdrich
Are you
a people watcher? Do you like to sit by and watch other people interact while you
allow information other than their words to inform you? Do you find far more
interesting what their body language says rather than the words they speak? Most introverts function this way. We are watchers and gatherers of
information. It’s a little bit creepy when you think about it.
It’s
not like we are “dirty old men and women.” It’s just the way we’re wired. We do
not have control over it. Neurologically, our minds are simply more inclined to
take in and interpret non-verbal information. If you want to get an opinion on
what makes someone tick, ask an introvert. As we all know, body language is difficult
to disguise, mostly unconscious, and does not lie unless deliberately
manipulated. Actors can certainly learn to use body language to interpret a role
they are playing, in order to more authentically portray their character, but
even actors, when they are not acting, unconsciously convey information through
their body language.
Even
though we can read body language and know when someone’s words conflict with their
unconscious signals, we cannot know for sure their underlying motivation.
As Erdrich says, we cannot know their heart. One person may seem inauthentic to
us, simply because they are afraid to show their feelings. Many adults who were
treated poorly as children learn to hide feelings behind words and deeds that
are incongruent with their truth, as a survival mechanism. When they were
children, it protected them from harm.
Recently, I was at the
bedside of a friend who was dying. The family members were doing clownish
things that seemed truly strange to me—laughing, and joking, and acting silly. I
understood that it was to defend against the loss they felt, or knew they would
feel in the days ahead, and to try and distract my friend from the grief of his
own death. Everybody handles loss differently. There is no one “right” way.
The same can be said for
love. My way of giving and receiving love may be completely different from
yours, and you may misread it as something else. You may even find it annoying.
If my way of showing love is giving gifts and your way is saying sweet words,
we may be like trains passing in the night. Tis a good reason for couples to have this conversation and get a clear understanding of what means “I love
you,” to the other.
These differences, while
making relationships more complicated, also make them more interesting. Uniformity
in anything gets boring after a while. Think how dull it would be to only wear
black and white. Numbing, don’t you think? However, understanding each other’s differences
is critical for longevity in any relationship—business or pleasure, friends, or
family.
Knowing the heart of
another is not possible—sometimes, even knowing your own heart is difficult.
But how endlessly fascinating it is to try. It is the task of our lifetime.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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