Unsolicited
Advice
“The
human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply
wants to be witnessed—to be seen, heard, and companioned exactly as
it is.”
Parker
Palmer (On Being, Writing & Poetry, “The Gift of Presence, The
Perils of Advice,” April 27, 2016)
I had a conversation with
some friends over the weekend about a mutual friend who's going
through a very hard patch. We all had opinions about what would help,
of course. For those who are not actually grappling with said “hard
patch,” insight is 20/20. Even though we mean well—and we do—our
observations and opinions amount to nothing more than expelled air.
We talk about other people's problems and possible solutions in order
to make ourselves feel better, and to deflect attention from our own
problems. To cut us some slack, however, this type of conversation is
also how we process our feelings about what's going on with someone
we care about, and sometimes, it's how we bond with one another for
support in the face of it. It's burdensome to watch someone suffer,
and we all have opinions about what would make them feel better. The
unfortunate thing is that rarely are our solutions the same as
theirs. Since the problem belongs to them, it's important for them to
come up with their own solutions, and unless they ask for advice,
it's better for us to keep our opinions to ourselves. I have a hard
time doing that. I wonder if you do, too.
We humans fall into the
trap of thinking that there is something we should do
to help a person who's going through hard times. We feel “helpless”
unless we're actively engaged in “helping,” and we like to define
what helping means. One of the greatest gifts any of us can give to
another who is suffering (or anyone, for that matter) is the gift of
our presence—the simple witnessing of what they are living through.
The standing next to, the sitting with, the support of, the listening
to—those are gifts enough. Fetching a cup of coffee, or a bowl of
soup, picking up their mail, or doing a load of their laundry—these
are activities that may be helpful to them as well as to us, because
we can feel like we're doing something.
Here's a little piece of
unsolicited advice then—if you are able, do what is asked of you.
Don't try to fix, or save, or change anyone who does not live inside
your skin. Truly, I'm saying this to myself as well as to whomever
else needs to hear it. Witnessing the suffering of another human
being, especially someone we love, is one of the hardest jobs we're
called upon to do. If we can do that with presence and compassion, it
blesses our soul and theirs.
In the Spirit,
Jane
No comments:
Post a Comment