Unexpected
Promise
“One
answer is that life lasts so briefly, like free theater in the
park—glorious and tedious: full of wonder and often hard to
understand, but right before our eyes, and capable of rousing us,
awakening us to life, to the bright green and very real grass, the
mess, the sky, the limbo. This is the great unexpected promise, that
we can choose now, no matter our current condition. But we can't
choose it for anyone else.”
Anne
Lamott (Almost Everything: Notes on Hope, p. 47)
As I have written many
times, I grew up in an alcoholic family. I married an alcoholic and
one of my sons is in recovery (Thank you, God), so I have been immersed in
addiction and all the chaos and heartache it carries my whole life.
The role I learned to play at my mother's breast was that of
committed codependent—I honestly believed that my help was needed
and even life-saving. I can tell you today that it was not. I cannot
choose life for anyone but myself no matter how much I love them.
It's unsettling, however,
to learn how to navigate life without being codependent when that is the
core of your identity. In fact, you have no idea how to even begin.
You feel stripped down and free-floating. It is as though the ground
will fall out from under you if you say “no” to your loved one.
That is the major misconception of codependency—that your job as a
human being is to save others, and if you cannot do that, you are a
complete failure. It translates to so much pain and suffering for
yourself and for those on the receiving end, because underneath all
that effort to rescue is deep-seated resentment when your
ministrations don't produce the desired outcome. And if you express
that resentment, you feel guilt and shame, which, of course, sends
you right back into the cycle of codependent behavior. You can see
how destructive this is, right?
We have been given this
one beautiful life in this one incredible world. We can choose to
live that life, or not, but we can't make the choice for someone
else. There is help for anyone who wants it enough to ask, but it is
not our job to seek them out and force help on them. It took me a
lifetime to grasp the fact that codependency is simply arrogance in
dowdy clothes. It is blood-sacrifice that does not save anyone. It is
not love.
Our own recovery requires that we get to know ourselves—what we think and feel, what we most
desire, and what it means to express ourselves—which is likely the
most difficult challenge we will ever face. We have to become the
lover of our own soul, and from that love we are able to allow others
to be who they are, and make their own choices. I hope you choose
life—and I hope they do, too.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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