Real
Relationships
“...But
you must be willing to feel your heart's terrors and wounds or else
you will close and protect yourself, striking back at the source of
openness you most yearn to become...”
David
Deida
I'll bet a lot of you
read that quote and hit the delete button. I don't blame you. I feel
like running when confronted with my heart's terrors, too. David
Deida writes extensively about relationships and sexuality. Years
ago, someone gave me his book, The Superior Man, and without even
opening it, I sent it directly to the Friends of the Library store.
If you've been burned by a love relationship—or more than one love
relationship, as the case may be—then the last thing on earth you
want is another turn at the pyre. On the other hand, we all yearn to
love and be loved.
Some of us become
settlers—we settle for relationships that are safe, and not fiery.
That sometimes works. More often, we start feeling restless and find
ourselves looking around for something with a bit more zest. Here's
my take on that, keeping in mind that I am in no way an expert on
relationships—unless we're talking about the failed kind. I think
we come at it from the wrong end of the stick. Most of us believe
that our relationships, especially our love relationships, should be
comfortable, smooth sailing, simpatico, safe. But, I believe we enter
into relational bonds with another to grow spiritually and
emotionally. Sometimes that means rocking the boat. We will make
terrible mistakes in our relationships, no doubt about that. We will
wound and be wounded. But if we stay connected, and ONLY if it is
safe to stay connected, we expand ourselves to understand and
accommodate another human being at the soul level. At the very least,
we can learn to listen and negotiate.
Entering into an
authentic relationship with another is, admittedly, a “gird your
loins” experience. It means that sometimes you'll have smooth
sailing, sometimes you'll navigate rough water, and sometimes, you'll
have to batten down the hatches for a big storm. But, if we go into a
love relationship with that understanding, if we can manage not to
shut down, but stay open, incredible things happen. Souls meet,
hearts and minds expand and grow. And, my friends, it just doesn't
get any better than that.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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