Love
Life
“We love
life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to
loving.”
Friedrich
Nietzsche
So many of my friends are
going through difficult life events at the moment. Cancer treatment,
joint replacements, sick and dying parents—the list goes on and on.
Sometimes, one wonders what keeps us holding on to life with such a
tight fist. Is it fear, or is it love. I like to think it is the
latter.
Nietzsche also said, “To
live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in that
suffering.” When you're in the midst of the turmoil, however, it's often
hard to find meaning. That tends to be a retrospective action. While
I took care of my dying mother, I felt exhausted and frustrated
almost all the time. She did not want any of the things that were
necessary for her care, which meant I had to overrule my own mother.
Her devotion to the life she had always known was intense, and she
fought hard to hold on to some semblance of it, even though it was
inexorably slipping away. Denial of the truth was her chosen defense
mechanism, so when I presented her with the lack of options, she
blamed me. My own life and livelihood were simply curtailed,
submerged into her care. I can tell you, both of us endured several
years of suffering. Meaning was hard to come by.
Now, however, I am so
glad I spent that time with her. Difficult though it was, and with
lasting consequences, I learned a lot about my mother that I didn't
know, and I learned a lot about myself as well. It seemed a
legitimate closing of the circle—she gave birth to me, and I was
there, holding her hand, when she died. We both labored. I had always
held myself out to be different from my mother, and in some ways I
am. But in oh, so many other ways, I am her “spitting image.” I
can admit that now without cringing. I can think of being like her,
and feel only love.
Suffering is not a choice
that many of us make of our own free will. If we do, it may be a sign
of pathology. But suffering is a normal part of life, hopefully
balanced by equal amounts of happy contentment. When we are able to
live with love—not Hallmark love, but agape—then we are more
likely to find positive meaning in whatever pain life serves up. In
the end, every choice we make is underpinned either by love or by
fear. Trust me, love is better.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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