Good Advice

Listen and Witness

“The human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed—to be seen, heard, and companioned exactly as it is.”
Parker Palmer (On Being Website)

Are you a fixer? When someone presents a problem they're having in their life, do you automatically begin to suggest solutions? I do. It's natural to try to soothe and comfort; attempts to help that person feel better. We humans are actually hard wired to nurture—if it weren't so, we would have eliminated our species by now. We have the chemistry for nurturing, we have the capacity for it, and we have the instincts for it. This is not only true for humans, but for other animals, too. There is a video circulating on Facebook showing two lionesses standing beside an injured fox. Not only do they not eat it, but they don't let anyone else eat it either. They stand there, protecting the fox, until it can get up and hobble away. I once had a dog, Whiskers, who nurtured two kittens, even to the point of sticking his tender nose between them when they fought. They slept against his belly, and ate from his food bowl. He became their mother.

We automatically assume that if there is a problem, there must be a solution. Most of the time, that's true. But, it's also true that we need to arrive at solutions to our problems ourselves. When someone presents us with one of their problems, we can explore their ideas about solutions with them, we can mirror their feelings, and we can give them support. But, we probably should not offer solutions in the form of advice. And, we should never impose our own solutions on another human being. I have to re-learn this lesson just about every day. Those of us who are strongly opinionated have a harder time keeping our solutions to ourselves.

What is helpful to the soul is to be heard. To have a witness. In the same way that the Catholic sacrament of Confession is cleansing, being able to tell someone you trust about a problem you're having is helpful. Just talking about it relieves some of the stress. It's also helpful to empathize and console the person in turmoil. But, unless they ask for our opinion, or ask a question like, “How would you handle this?” we must refrain from offering solutions. For me, and I'm sure for many, this constitutes the sharp edge of the learning curve. I do a lot of tongue biting, but, unfortunately, not enough. Here's a helpful image: next time someone presents you with a problem that's vexing their soul, see yourself as that lioness standing over the injured fox. She doesn't talk, she doesn't nudge, she doesn't threaten, she simply waits and watches. Until the fox (or the friend) can stand on his/her own feet and walk away, just witness, listen and protect.

In the Spirit,
Jane