We
Belong Together
“John
Cacioppo of the University of Chicago, who does this incredible work
on loneliness, says that the only real biological advantage we have
over most species is our connection, our belonging; our ability to
collaborate, plan, be in relationship with in special ways. And so
that desperate need to belong is not a neurosis; or it's not an
ego-driven thing. That need to belong and be part of something
greater than us is who we are in our DNA.”
Brene
Brown (interview with Krista Tippett; On Being, February 8, 2018)
Brene Brown, Research
Professor at the University of Houston Graduate School of Social
Work, writes extensively about vulnerability, courage, and belonging
as spiritual necessities. She makes a distinction between fitting-in
and belonging. In her research, she asked middle-schoolers what the
difference was between the two, and they said, “Fitting in is when
you want to be part of something. Belonging is when others
want you.” If our goal is to fit-in, we sacrifice the parts of
ourselves that might be aversive to the group. In the lingo of Archie
Bunker, we learn to “stifle” ourselves; to not express ourselves
honestly for fear of rejection. Fitting-in is driven by the need to
belong, too, but it means coming into the group as an incomplete
person. It creates the feeling, all to familiar to many of us, of
being lonely in a crowd—sometimes, even within the circle of our
biological family.
Belonging, on the other
hand, requires that we be willing to stand alone when necessary. When
our authentic understanding of situations and circumstances differs
from the stated position of our clan, we must be willing to stand in
our truth in a way that does not diminish others. If we bring a whole
self to the group, and not a self that's had several of its limbs
chopped off in order to fit-in, then we can stand alone, and not feel
lonely. The feeling of loneliness is created by all the missing parts
of who we truly are; no one can know you if you're only a
half-person. Belonging requires the courage to be both honest and
vulnerable.
The key here is being
able to represent yourself honestly without deriding or dehumanizing
others. In recent years, we have allowed ourselves to bond around
mutual hatred—especially in the political arena. We feel connected
to our group when we speak the “party line” and declare our
disdain for anyone who does not. Over time, this has led to a vast
gulf that separates us from one another. We can be separated
ideologically, but, according to Brene Brown, we are always
inextricably linked. We see this most clearly when a tragedy
occurs—when hurricane Harvey swamped Houston, for example, many
ordinary people came to the rescue of folks who had lost everything.
Brown cited the Cajun Navy, in their bass boats, pulling people out
of swamped houses. They never asked anyone, “how did you vote in
2016;” they just helped them out of their flooded homes.
We feel our connection to
one another not only in the face of mass tragedies, but also when
great communal events occur. Most recently, the total solar eclipse
of last year, when everyone traveled to locations along the path,
collected in fields, shared protective glasses, high-fived and
celebrated with total strangers. Most people described that event as
“a sacred moment.” It was the sort of experience French
sociologist, Emile Durkheim, dubbed “collective effervescence.”
We're connected, moving in unison, our hearts are open, and we come
together with shared emotion. We know we are part of something
greater than ourselves. In those moments we are not in opposition,
and we are not chopping off our parts to fit-in. We honestly and
truly belong to one another, and the feeling is pure joy. We need
more of that. We can achieve it by moving out of our barricaded
camps, reaching out, leaning in, and treating each other like the
kindred spirits, sisters and brothers that we truly are.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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