Revelation!
“Please
tell me how I can love you better.”
Thich Nhat
Hanh
Do you know your love
language? Better still, do you know the love language of your
significant other? Most of us assume that we do, but too often we
figure if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander. In other
words, if we love something, they must love it, too. Thich Nhat Hanh
offers a simple solution: Ask.
Ask “How can I love you
better?” and then believe that what they tell you is true. Some of
us feel most loved when we receive touch that is not possessive, but
comforting. Some of us have a deep need for space and solitude; we
want our love to see it for what it is and not as withdrawal. Some of
us love to receive gifts, or words of affirmation. And, some of us
find love in simple acts of service—doing the laundry, cooking a
delicious meal, taking the dog for a walk. But if my love language is
receiving gifts, and yours is acts of service, and I give you gifts,
even useful gifts, and you mow the yard “for me” then you can see
how we might be off kilter. If I have a need for solitude, and you
believe that love is only shown by touch and physical closeness, then
we are going to clash. Misunderstanding leads to misinterpretation
which leads to fractured relationships.
A friend of mine had a
birthday yesterday. Her husband, who's a big, burly tattoo artist,
sent flowers to her workplace along with a cake that is quite the
most beautiful one I've ever seen. Her response was pure delight. In
spite of a birthday placing her squarely into middle age, she felt
celebrated and adored. He clearly knows her love language.
One boon of asking the
question, “How can I love you better?” is the vulnerability it
requires. It shows that you don't already know. It means, I no longer
want to assume that I know what you want. Even though I believe I
know you well, I truly want to know you even better. Just asking the
question and heeding the answer is an act of love.
We're coming up on the
love celebration of Valentine's Day. If I had a significant other, I would
ask this question and listen carefully to the answer. That simple
shift moves us one step closer to being soul mates.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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