Obsessive
Problem Solving
“We have
been battered by modern times into obsessive problem solvers, but as
life pares us down into only what is essential, it becomes clear that
the deepest sufferings of heart and spirit cannot be solved, only
witnessed and held.”
Mark Nepo
(The Book of Awakening)
I don't know about you,
but I am an obsessive problem solver. If someone tells me a problem
they're having, I immediately start spouting solutions. It's quite
maddening to me, as well as to them. Nepo calls this our “reflex to
solve, rescue and fix.” Sometimes, actually most of the time, the
only thing the other person wants is for us to listen, witness their
struggle, and hold a safe container for them to solve the problem
themselves. If, like me, you've been brought up to be a co-dependent
problem solver, this is a life or death issue for you.
Consider, for example,
the energy requirement. If I have one-hundred lines of energy coming
into me, and I spend fifty of those trying to solve a problem that
isn't mine to solve (or to rescue, or fix another person), then half
my energy compliment is not available to power my own body/mind.
Instead, it's gushing out of me toward everyone else in my circle of
friends and family. This is why so many compulsive care-givers,
thirty per cent in fact, die before the one who is on the receiving
end of their ministrations.
It is, however, important
for us to witness and hold; far more important than it is to fix and
solve. In truth, we are complicit in the lack of healing in others
when we rush to fix their problems, or rescue them with our
improvised solutions. If we can learn to simply hold the space, and
keep our solutions to ourselves, they will follow the path that is
set for them. It may not be the path we would choose for them, of
course, but this is their life journey and not our own. These are
difficult lessons to learn. They require repeated opportunities for
retraining until we get it right. Life itself with provide those
opportunities. I guarantee it.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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