Accept Forgiveness
“What if
I forgave myself?...What if I forgave myself even though I'd done
something I shouldn't? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was
no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted
and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time
I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done?...What if yes was
the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those
things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what got me here?
What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?”
Cheryl
Strayed (Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail)
Do all these ruminations
sound familiar to you? I don' t know if it's just a Southern thing or
not, but many of us have been trained from birth to carry a load of
guilt for simply being alive and breathing air. It's a strange thing,
I think, that we are born wild and free-spirited, and over time that
part of us gets beaten, and collared and caged. I'm not suggesting
that we go crazy and trample others under our feet like grapes in a
barrel. But it seems to me that we, and by we, I mean most especially
women, have bought into the conventional idea that we should walk the
earth all our lives being responsible for the welfare of others. And
if we don't, we should be ashamed of ourselves.
Feeling guilty, unless
you've murdered somebody, neglected your children, or been a
predatory pedophile, is not a healthy, or helpful emotion. When the
indiscretions took place in the past, you can do nothing about them
now beyond making amends when that is appropriate. Telling yourself
you should never allow the wildness within you any means of
expression is a recipe for disaster. It will come out in ways that
shock even you. On the other hand, finding some ways of expressing
and experiencing your inner wildness, is a good way to understand its
value.
One of the benefits of
having had a wild past is humility. It's pretty hard to judge others
when you remember your own embarrassing behavior, your careless
words, your vulgarities and cruelties. Your yardstick for measuring
the sins of others gets shorter. Humility softens one's sharp edges;
guilt only softens the brain.
Ask for forgiveness, make
amends if that is possible, and then let it go. Whenever guilt shows
its ugly little head, punch it right in the mouth. It's not righteous
to feel responsible for the whole world. It's just sad. One does far
more good with a light heart than a burdened one. Redemption, after
all, is a gift we must be willing to accept.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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