Healing Grief

Regaining Our Ground

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

When we suffer a terrible tragedy or loss in life, we are immersed in and engulfed by our emotions. We grieve openly and deeply. When someone we love dies, or when something fundamental to who we are changes, we tread water for some time before regaining our footing. I am watching friends and family go through this process at the moment. When you're in the midst of it, it's hard to believe you'll ever find your way out.

I'm always struck dumb when someone tells a grieving person that “God's will” took their loved one away—what worse thing could one say? Others may tell you, “You'll get over it,” or, worse still, “It's time you get over it, and move on.” These words may be well intentioned, but they are still simply wrong, and honestly, cruel. Here's what Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, world leaders on understanding grief, say: “You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be, nor would you want to be.”

Whether that loss is due to death, divorce, disease, or displacement, at some point, we emerge on the other side of grief a changed person. We have scars. Sometimes we make decisions in the heat of the moment, in the midst of strong emotion, that we later regret, and we have to walk them back, or confront the mistake. It's not a good idea to make big decisions before you've emerged from the process of grieving. Healing takes time, and the only way to achieve it is by going through those five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. Know that you will go through them, recognize them when they come for exactly what they are—the process required for you to heal. Consciously observe your progress and be kind to yourself by not rushing through.

According to the Buddha, life holds 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. It is not possible to pass this way without wounding, without sorrow. Just know that joy will return, and will be even sweeter because of the relief it brings from sadness.

                                                              In the Spirit,

                                                                   Jane