Primary Relationships

Setting Boundaries

“It is important to set proper boundaries in your outside relationships for the purpose of protecting your primary relationship from emotional promiscuity. We often think of infidelity as a physical act when the truth is it started as a breach of emotional monogamy.” Jordan Blake Michiels

What is your idea of a “proper boundary?” I've had many conversations with people who were trying to figure that out, and I have struggled with the question myself. There is not a fixed state called 'proper boundary'—it is a shifting, contracting and expanding concept, one with which most of us have wrestled at some time in our lives.

We must begin with the notion of primary relationship and go from there. When we read the quote above, our immediate take on it is that one's primary relationship is with a spouse or partner. How can the infidelity factor apply to any other relationship? To be sure, marriage is a bonded relationship, and one in which most of us pledge fidelity. That bond is sanctioned by church, and protected by law. It stands apart from other relationships in that way.

When we define primary, however, we find words like 'elemental', 'fundamental', 'first' and 'most basic.' In my world view, that is the definition of one's relationship to oneself, first and foremost. So often we are told, especially women are told, that the primary relationship is to spouse and children. We expect to be faithful and constant in these two categories. What we forget, actually, what we are never taught, is that our fundamental relationship is being true to self. When we are firmly planted and strong in our knowledge of self, we come to other relationships from a place of strength. Healthy boundaries are critical to healthy relationships of all sorts. When we allow others, even loved ones, to overrun our boundaries, we are setting that relationship up for failure. Healthy boundaries provide the physical and emotional security to be fully engaged with others in a loving, supportive way while still remaining true to self.

Being true to oneself is not a selfish act. When our primary relationship is with our self, we stand on solid ground. We can have fidelity in all our relationships, because we know who we are, and where our boundaries lie.

                                                     In the Spirit,

                                                          Jane