Trust
the Timing
“Too
often our first inclination when we learn a lesson, gain a new
insight, have an awareness, or glimpse a new truth is to judge and
criticize ourselves—for not seeing it sooner, not knowing it
before, or being in denial too long. That's not necessary. It's not
appropriate. We're not at fault because we didn't have this awareness
or understand the lesson until now.”
Melody
Beattie (Journey to the Heart)
As
a life-long co-dependent, I fall into this trap from time to time. I
am programmed to fall into it. I want to believe, and not to see
the unguarded truth sometimes, especially when it involves someone I
love dearly. I think most of us are that way. When we think we see
something that is not quite right, we turn a blind eye; we tell
ourselves we're reading more into it than is there. And some of the
time, we're right about that. Most of the time, however, our
intuition about the situation is spot-on, and we should listen.
Truth
is, we “see” what we need to see when we are ready to see it. Our
psyche will block it out when it is too much to handle. That's one
reason why children can grow up in exquisitely dysfunctional families
and not realize it until they are well into adulthood. A child would be
overwhelmed by such knowledge. And even as an adult, when the truth
of the dysfunction begins to emerge, the child inside us puts on
blinders until we are ready to see it, until we are strong enough to
cope with the emotional fall-out.
Here's
the good news: sometimes with time and distance, the good will emerge
along with the not-so-good. We can realize that those parents, or
those siblings, were not defined only by their problem. They had
other redeeming traits. Sometimes, the alcoholic in the family is the
one who is most tender and nurturing. Sometimes, the mentally ill
member has moments of brilliance and lucidity. Sometimes, the one
with the obvious handicap, is the happiest and most resilient. It's
surprising what we see, when we begin to see. All the polarities are
joined together, opposite sides of a coin. All the labels we have
applied no longer fit so neatly.
When
we're ready to see the truth in a situation, in a relationship, in a
personal dynamic, our eyes will be opened. Until then, our eyes are
shielded for a reason. In the words of Melody Beattie, “Allow
yourself to learn what you learn when you learn it. Don't judge
yourself for not learning sooner. Be happy, grateful, and excited
when your lesson arrives.”
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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