Honest
Relationships
“Honesty
is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” Thomas Jefferson
How
often to do you lie? According to the statistics, sixty-percent of us
lie at least once in every ten minute conversation. Men are twice as
likely to lie to bosses, colleagues or partners—six times a day as
opposed to three for women. But eighty percent of women admit to
telling harmless white lies. I find this fascinating in terms of
human behavior—why is it that we feel compelled to lie so often?
I
don't pretend to be an expert on this subject, but I will hazard a
guess—we lie to make ourselves look better. We have given ourselves
permission to stretch the truth so that we won't feel inadequate. If
we say it is so, it's easier to believe it ourselves. “Yes, I
finished that report!” “No, I didn't eat the last cookie...and
the five before that!” “I spent the whole day cleaning the
house!”
If
we were to tell the truth all the time, people would go away with
hurt feelings, and long term relationships would suffer. “Yes,
honey, that looks really good on you.” “You are the only man I
ever look at.” Let's face it, sometimes we lie to keep from telling
the truth, because the truth would be hurtful. But we also lie about
important things, and we hide our feelings in order not to upset the
apple-cart. Sooner or later, there will be a reckoning and that will
come as a slap in the face to whomever has been on the receiving end
of our lies.
I
have a hard time communicating honestly with people when I think that
they may have difficulty hearing what I have to say. If what I truly
think is not flattering, soothing, or conducive to keeping the peace,
I will say whatever needs to be said to smooth things out—and
almost always it comes back to bite me. There is no harm in telling
kind, white lies to someone you don't care about, especially if you
don't want to spend the next hour explaining yourself. But, lying to
loved ones and friends is a whole other order of business. Honesty is
foundational to the endurance of real and long-term relationships.
The
key, to my way of thinking, is to tell the truth in such a way as to
cushion the blow. Find the words that communicate your true feelings
and thoughts without placing blame on the other person; words that do
not condemn or sound intentionally hateful. It's a good idea to
practice what you will say, and how you will say it. Almost anyone
can hear truth if it's spoken from the heart and without blaming
another for your feelings. Then, be prepared to listen to their
reaction without becoming defensive and exchanging angry charges.
This is not easy to do—not for me, and probably, not for you.
However, unless a relationship is based on honesty, it is not a
relationship at all.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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