The
Blame Game
“When
you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the
lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need
fertilizer, or more water, or less sun...Yet if we have problems with
our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how
to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming
has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using
reasoning and argument. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just
understanding. If you understand and you show that you understand,
you can love and the situation will change.”
Thich
Nhat Hanh
Thich
Nhat Hanh's brand of reasoning is so clear and simple, and almost
impossible to do. At least for me. It is so human to look for blame
when things don't go the way I want them to, that I may as well be
operating on auto-pilot. Whether it is driving in traffic, unsnarling
a knot when sewing, or attempting to convince someone to live other
than the way they are living, I can deal out blame like a deck of
cards. It's easy, and it relieves me of having to take responsibility
for my own anger, or my participation in whatever unhappy event is
taking place. And I can double down on most of my blame—I can blame
them for the problem, and then blame them for not doing what I
suggested to correct the problem. It's a good game, at least for me.
Unfortunately,
blame doesn't change anything. It usually escalates the rage factor
and makes a small mess into a big one. Blame is a child's defense
mechanism. It reminds me of the time, when I was eleven, that I
pulled too hard on the handles of an old, upstairs bathroom sink. The
handle came off in my hand and water spewed out like a geyser and
drenched the ceiling and the floor and ran through the floor boards
onto my parent's bed downstairs. When my wet and furious father came
flying up the stairs, I swore that I hadn't even touched it and that
my seventy-year-old grandmother must have broken it! It's a juvenile
tactic to assign blame, but that doesn't keep us from doing it.
I
am trying to pay attention to how I assign fault to someone other
than myself. It's a bad habit, and it keeps our relationships fraught
with unease. The opposite, just as Hanh says, is understanding.
Trying to comprehend with compassion what makes any person do what
they do, is a better way to bring about change. Most of us are decent
people at heart; we just make a lot of mistakes. I do, you do, and so
does everyone else. We're human. By blaming others for our problems,
we're trying to protect the child within, who's still afraid of her
Daddy's wrath.
“No
blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding.” That's the
mantra for today.
In
the spirit,
Jane
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