Let me help you with that.

From Caring to Controlling

“Early one morning I stopped to watch a colony of bees. A little intimidated by the frenzied motion and intense buzzing, I reminded myself that if I didn't poke my nose into their hive, I wouldn't get stung. If I chose to maintain a safe distance from a dangerous situation, I would be fine.”

                                     The Courage to Change

Some of us are programmed to get overly involved in other people's lives. We may have been the designated “fixer” in our family growing up, or we may have trained in a helping profession. Or both. Whatever the cause, we find it very difficult to stay out of other people's business, especially if we sense that the person or persons need help. This is particularly true when they are one of our own, like an adult child, or an elderly parent or grandparent. We feel their vulnerability and want to fix it.

It's human nature, you say. And I agree that most of us, especially women or men with a well developed relational side, want to help people who seem to be in need. Here's the rub—they may not want our help and they may resent our intrusion into their lives, especially if they happen to be our parents or children. And in trying to be helpful, we may only damage our relationship to the point that we are banned from their lives.

There is a fine line between being helpful and being intrusive. I have to remind myself daily that unless someone asks for my help, I should keep my nose out of their business. There's a real ego trip in being 'the fixer'. We tend to think of ourselves as superior beings, who could set people straight if they had the good sense to listen to us and do as we say. But the truth is, we are not superior, and our solutions are only our solutions and not necessarily the best ones for them.

Caring becomes controlling when we ignore the embedded message we are sending that they are not competent to come up with their own solutions. Often what they hear is, 'you have to be led by the nose or lord knows where you'll end up'. That's clearly not helpful.

And finally, when we're wrestling with a problem that doesn't belong to us, we are destined to be frustrated. We lie awake nights trying to come up with a solution that isn't even ours to come up with. We worry and fret and give ourselves ulcers over things that simply are not under our control. We need to be protected from ourselves!

So, if the hive is not yours, stand back or risk being stung.

                                          In the spirit,

                                             Jane