New
View
“Barn’s
burnt down—Now I can see the moon.”
Mizuta
Masahide (17th century Japanese poet and samurai)
The 12-Step
divorce recovery program has a saying: “Divorce is the gateway to a new
reality.” Now, I’m not advocating for divorce, but that is a true
statement. And it doesn’t apply only to divorce. When we experience a major
break in our lives, when something life-altering happens, we find ourselves scrambling
for solid ground. In Alcoholics Anonymous it’s referred to as “hitting bottom.”
There’s nowhere to go but up. Whatever happens to us, whether it is of our own
doing or comes out of the blue, it ends one era of life and opens the door to
another. Metaphorically, the barn burns down, allowing us a different view of what
has always been there—ourselves.
You
know the look—you see it on the faces of folks whose home has just been swept
away by a tornado. They stand before a giant heap of rubble, hollow-eyed and
silent, thinking, “What just happened? How will I ever recover from this? Where
do I even begin?” We see it when a husband or wife walks out the door or dies. We
see it at funerals, at weddings, and in courtrooms; stunned people, not knowing
what comes next. There’s a period of “rebooting,” or, as a friend of mine says,
“regrowing one’s feathers.”
In this
vein, perhaps we could change the way we view major losses—not as tragedies,
but as opportunities to reboot. Even major gains, like marriage or graduating
from college, can be emotionally charged, stressful events. They, too, initiate
a period of adjustment. Too bad they don’t come with instruction manuals and
rules of the game.
Fortunately, with few exceptions,
we are quite pliable. We bend, but we don’t break. It’s good to be patient with
yourself, and to allow time for recovery whenever a major event happens—good,
bad, or ugly. Just as you would with others, take care of yourself with
kindness and, if you can manage it, with good humor. Laughter heals a multitude
of ailments.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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