Will
They Know You?
“My
children will be privy to the full palette of my emotions and maybe understand
why I felt as I did…Perhaps they will notice variations in my handwriting or
the choice of pen and feel different energies coming through.”
Candy
Leonard (Sociologist and Quantitative Research Consultant on Gender, Health,
Pop-Culture, and the Baby Boom Generation)
I had a
conversation last night with my adult children about whether or not one should
burn or shred one’s personal letters and journals before one dies so that adult
children cannot read them. The conversation started because my daughter in law
said her mother requested that hers be burned and that no one read them. We
talked about my sons’ great-grandmother, the undisputed matriarch of their
father’s clan. Boxes of letters were found in her the attic after her death. The
letters revealed a part of her life that no one knew about, and contained
letters from authors and poets, her psychiatrist, her husband, and many others.
She was an interesting woman, ahead of her time, and my sons were happy to have
the opportunity to know more about her in a very personal way.
There
are two schools of thought on this topic. On the one hand, you risk hurting your
children by revealing things that will make them unhappy or embarrassed. This
is compounded by the fact that you won’t be there to answer questions they may
have. On the other hand, it may give them an opportunity to know more about
what you thought about things that simply never came up in conversation. How you
felt about your life, what doubts you had, what you struggled with, and what
had meaning for you.
When my
mother was approaching the end of her life, I was in my early sixties. I had so
many questions, but when I asked her, she would simply tell me that she didn’t
remember, because it was so long ago. I felt I never really knew her. I didn’t know
her private thoughts, personal goals, expectations. And I wanted to know her.
From my perspective, it’s
important to truly know your parents, not just the role they played in your
life, but what they were like outside that role. It’s important because it
helps you to know yourself better—why you think and feel the way you do. Our
parents shape our view of the world, they move us toward or away from people
and things for their own reasons, which we as children don’t understand.
I have
a few old letters written to me by my grandmothers. Even though they reveal nothing
of great importance, when I read them, I can hear their voices and see them as I
knew them. I am reminded of the lives they led, the things that interested them
and occupied their time. The words on the page, written in their scribbly handwriting,
evoke sensory memories in me—how I loved the smell of the freshly cut grass from
Popa’s electric lawn mower; how Mama slapped her leg and laughed in amusement
at something I said. They conjure memories of dancing with my sister to Jerry Lee Lewis’ “Goodness,
Gracious, Great Balls of Fire” in Mama’s dinning room. Memories
of watching Popa mix up the food on his plate and dip his cornbread in the juices.
Even though none of that is in the letters, it all comes flooding back when I
read them.
People
feel differently about this, and everyone has the right to their own opinions
and choices. As for me, even if I’m not there to answer their questions, I want
my sons to know who their mother was—what she thought, what she loved and
hated. I think it’s a good idea to let your children know your wishes for the
disposition of your personal belongings after you’re gone, and to ask them whether
they want them or not before you destroy them.
To me, there’s
no greater gift than to reveal your truth to your children, who love you most.
It may even help them to understand themselves better. Certainly, it will
enlighten them as to where certain ideas and beliefs originated. It’s food for
thought, anyway. I wonder what you plan to do with your journals and personal
correspondence? Keep or destroy?
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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