Rebuilding Around Loss

 

Best Legacy

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to be.”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

          I remember my sister, Jerrie, after her five-year-old son died. For a year, she toted around an 8x10 framed photograph of him clutched to her chest. It was as though she could not bear to be without him even if that meant only as a photo. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. People would tell her stupid things like, “it’s God’s will,” and “you can have more children” as though that should comfort her when all it did was deepen her grief. We don’t simply shake off the death of someone we love, or even someone we know well, like water off a dog’s back. We carry it with us, we absorb it like dye, and it changes the color of our life. And that is as it should be.

          When someone touches your life deeply, they leave an imprint that is shaped like them and them alone. You will be talking years later and say something that causes their image to pop into your head. Then you replay a little mental video of the occasion that you remembered, complete in all its detail. We have a storage cabinet in our heads containing memory reels of them—good scenes, bad scenes. My friend who will leave this world today has had a major impact on my life, and I will never forget him. I don’t want to forget him even though we had many contentious debates—almost always over politics. We ruined many a good dinner with debates over taxes and the purpose of government—he, a libertarian and I, a democrat—deadly combination. He has a goofy, quirky personality, and a brilliant mind. He is no angel, and no devil either—just a man who has done a lot of good in this world, quietly, unannounced.

          Don’t let anyone tell you that you’ll “get over” the loss of a loved one. You won’t. But you will heal with a scar that has lots of stories attached to it. Good stories are our greatest legacy. This guy, Andy, my friend, will have stories enough to fill a book, and they will make people laugh and laugh. I can’t think of a better legacy to leave than that.

                                                  In the Spirit,

                                                  Jane