The Difference Between Hubris and...

Self-Confidence

“Where I grew up—started out in Oklahoma and moved to Missouri—it was considered hubris to talk about yourself. And the downside of that was that ideas rarely got exchanged, or true feelings.”

Brad Pitt

When I read this quote, I immediately related to it. I can't tell you how often I was swatted down as a child and told to “get down off your high-horse.” Ideas outside those held by my parents were not acceptable, and would quickly be mashed into the carpet by the boot of scathing criticism. To express a contrary idea, was to challenge the clan mentality and parental authority. And, to be perceived as bragging on yourself...well, that simply was not done. The upside is that one usually grows up to be a humble person--self-deprecating and unpretentious. The downside is that one cannot promote one's ideas and actions without extreme anxiety and feelings of shame.

For some of us self-promotion leads to self-recrimination and turns what should be simple confidence into embarrassment. I wonder if you have this problem, too. What happens, is the inability to self-promote even when that is an essential skill—especially in business, but also in life. It cripples one's ability to ask for advances and promotions, and to apply for everything from college entrance, to mortgage loans. In other words, the inability to self-promote sometimes leads to failure to succeed.

There is a clear, identifiable line between hubris and the skill of selling yourself. The usual arbiters of that line are truth and balance. If one states the honest truth about oneself, about one's ability, and one's weakness, one's vision and one's blind-spots, it's viewed simply as confidence. When one embellishes the truth about oneself, exaggerates one's strengths and accomplishments, and fails to include their mistakes and weaknesses, it's pretty obvious that person has devolved into hubris. It's obvious, at least, to everyone else, if not the one doing the bragging.

Overcoming the inability to self-promote takes practice. First, we have to shut down those original voices that told us we should never say anything “proud” about ourselves. (I recall my therapist suggesting that I tell those voices, now inside my head, to "shut up and get out!") And then, you have to practice saying nice things about yourself, your work and your honest mistakes. No matter what the arena, there are probably people in the world who are better at doing what you do, and there are equal numbers who are worse. We don't have to stand on the top of the heap to be proud of ourselves, we just have to do the quality of work and of life that suits us. Pride that is based upon truth is not shameful. It is self-confidence.

                                                             In the Spirit,

                                                                Jane