Hidden
Truth
“...the
truth about us, though it must lie all around us every day, is mostly
hidden from us, like birds nests in the woods.”
Wendell
Berry (A World Lost)
Have you ever received
unsolicited feedback about yourself that sheds a new light on who you
are, or at least, how others perceive you. It's a little bit jarring.
One's first response is denial—nah, I'm not like that at all. We go
through a series of statements, most often to ourselves, about how
they just don't know you, they are projecting their own stuff onto
you, etc. I'm speaking for myself, of course. If you have rough
edges, as I do, you may even get angry and snort around for a while
about breaking off relationship with this or that person. Just X them
off your list of friends, and such and so forth.
The truth is, we are
living inside our body and inside our behavior, and they are
observing it from without. We tend to think that our motives are
always pure, and that we would never intentionally act in a way that
is unseemly or unkind—but we do. We sometimes behave in ways that
are unconsciously intrusive, rude and opinionated—at least, I do,
and I know several other people who do, too. We are all pretty good
at observing others and ascribing descriptive adjectives to them and
their behavior—and that's okay, because we mean no harm, right? But
when it happens to us, and we receive an off-handed comment that is
less than flattering, it is NOT all right! There's a lesson in there
somewhere if we're open to receiving it.
Here's my takeaway from
this line of thinking—if you are observing and judging, just assume
that others are, too. Be more concerned about your own behavior and
words than you are about theirs—or else, call them on it. When
someone starts a sentence with the words, “well, you are
'blah-blah',” you can stop them and ask for clarification. What
does that mean? When have you seen me act that way? And then listen
to what they have to say. Try not to be defensive; just listen and
ask clarifying questions. At the very least, you'll learn something
about them, and at best, you'll learn something about yourself.
Something about what and who resides in your shadow; something you
are unconscious of, but others see. Something you have no awareness of being or doing, but it's there. They have opened a little window
into your soul so that you can see yourself more fully.
This can be an irritating
process, but it helps us become more conscious of ourselves, and
therefore better able to channel our behavior in a positive direction
(if that is, in fact, what we want to do). Ask questions, listen, and
integrate the information. What friends say, and what they think of
us is important, not so that we'll feel shame and guilt, but so that
we can become more aware of ourselves. It gives us is a close look at yet another facet of the complex being that we are. What we do with the
information is up to us.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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