Choose Civility

Incivility

“It is a wise thing to be polite; consequently it is a stupid thing to be rude. To make enemies by unnecessary and willful incivility is just as insane a proceeding as to set your house on fire. For politeness is like a counter—an avowedly false coin with which it is foolish to be stingy.”

Arthur Schopenhaur

For reasons I don't quite understand, civility has become passe. It isn't just in our politics. It's seems to be in our everyday discourse. I had an experience with an insurance agent this past week that left me shaken, and later, angry. I've been looking at ways to reduce my expenses, and insurance was one of the areas where, because of a competitive marketplace, one can sometimes find discounts. So I did the research and found a company I trusted. Upon applying, I learned I could save a sizable amount of money for the same coverage. So I called the agent I had been with for about ten years, and asked to cancel my policies. Instead of being polite and concerned as one would expect an insurance agent to be, he was instantly furious. I explained to him that we had talked a year or so ago about ways to reduce the cost of my policies, and he had told me I should keep the same coverage, and did not offer ways of reducing the price. On the phone, he did not suggest we revisit that decision, he did not say he valued me as a long-term customer, he did not offer to match the price of the new policy. Instead, he screamed at me that I was lying—he yelled into the phone, “That's a lie! You're a liar!” I was stunned. After trying to explain that I just needed to reduce my expenses while he continued to yell insults, I simply hung up. I wish I could say it ended there, but it didn't. The very next business day, his office called one of my sons, and told him, first, that I had canceled my policies, and secondly, that they were “adjusting” his policies—upward. My son is forty-two years old. He lives on the other side of town, and is not on any of my policies. He is an independent human being, and he has been with the same insurance company since he was sixteen.

This is just one story in a long line of incredible stories about incivility. Perhaps some people find it “refreshing” that we are no longer “politically correct,” but I do not. Civility, of course, comes from the same root-word at civilization, civilized and civilian. If we are to maintain civilization, we must have a modicum of respect for one another. We must, even if it takes some effort, rein in our harshest rhetoric, and if we cannot be polite, at least say nothing. It is not smart to escalate an already tense situation by hurling insults and being rude. As Arthur Schopenhaur indicates, it's just plain stupid. That insurance agent lost not one, but two long-term customers, and probably any others who were within earshot of his office when he was screaming insults.

Seventeenth century writer and philosopher, Jean de la Bruyere, described incivility this way: “Incivility is not a vice of the soul, but the effect of several vices; of vanity, ignorance of duty, laziness, stupidity, distraction, contempt for others, and jealousy.” We should all weigh the risks and benefits of being rude, and decide for ourselves if it's truly worth it. As gratifying as it is to vent our spleens from time to time, it rarely helps any situation, and usually makes it worse. Political correctness is not the enemy.  Incivility is.

                                                                  In the Spirit,

                                                                      Jane