What are you feeling today?

Working Through Strong Feelings

“You don't have to do anything about your feelings. Understand that. Believe that. They are only feelings. Emotional energy is important. It's important not to block it, deny it, or repress it. It's important to discharge it. To value it. To value ourselves.”

                        Melody Beattie (Journey to the Heart)

I wrote yesterday about the man in my neighborhood who yelled at me because my dog pooped across the street from his house. (Don't worry, I'm not going to subject you to another 'dog-poop' blog.) What I didn't say was how much it upset me.

I am not accustomed to having a complete stranger yell at me and threaten me. It shook me up. I went through a range of feelings from embarrassment, to fury, to pity, to fear. I told myself to shake it off, that he was simply having a bad day, and not to take it personally. I thought of things I could do to retaliate; I assigned him to an anger management class, I thought of collecting several days worth of dog poop and piling it up in his precious yard in the middle of the night, and so on. In the end, I did nothing except write about it and tell a few close friends.

Feelings are potent forces of energy. They well up and shake us like a dog with a rubber chicken. For someone like me, who learned early on that showing feelings can be dangerous, strong emotions can feel as though they are taking over. I remember the first time I allowed rage to come spewing out. I thought I was going totally insane! I thought, “I'll never get this mad dog back in the kennel.” But I did. I didn't come unglued, and I didn't kill anyone. (Thank God!)

Feeling what you feel is important. But you don't have to act on every feeling. It is not important to confront and stand your ground, unless there is no escape. Confrontation usually escalates the already charged atmosphere of anger. Better to feel what you feel, and deal with it. Confrontation can come later when cooler heads prevail.

At the same time, you don't need to control all negative emotions. You don't need to stuff them, deny them, or cut them off as unacceptable. Instead, work out a system of dealing with them. First, identify what you feel (harder to do than you might think); second, take responsibility that your feelings belong to you and are not the fault of someone else, and three, work through them in a way that is not destructive to you or anyone else.

It helps to have a good friend or a confidante to listen and affirm your feelings. Telling someone is one way of discharging strong emotions. Be certain that the person you confide in is a safe container who will help you look at all sides of the situation, including your own culpability if it's there.

I won't walk my dogs past that neighbor's house again without a means of collecting any unfortunate pollutants that they may produce. Or, I will walk my dogs somewhere else. Either way, I am finding a solution that works for me. I hope you find solutions that work for you today, my friend.

                                     In the spirit,

                                     Jane