Love
Isn’t Perfect
“Love
isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love
someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right
here and now.”
Fred
Rogers
I’ll be
the first to say, I am no expert on love—how to love someone or how to receive
someone’s love. That is mysterious to me. But I’ve lived long enough to know
that it isn’t smooth sailing on a calm day. It’s work—the old-fashioned kind of
work that involves a lot of back-breaking labor and soul searching. I’ve watched
family and friends with their significant others fuss and fight and make up and
then argue and repeat the cycle. Love is worth the effort, but it’s not easy to
adapt to another person’s habits and quirks no matter how much you love them.
Also, one shouldn’t accept abuse no matter what; it’s dangerous to stay with an
abusive person regardless of how much you love them.
Having
grown up in an alcoholic/codependent family, there was no “love modeling” going
on in my house as a child. It was rare for my parents to express affection in
either word or deed. An occasional kind word seeped through, but much of their communication
centered on the business end of the relationship—what I refer to as “Did you
pay the light bill?” interactions. Of course, that must be done, but it ought
to be balanced with, “Honey, I really appreciate your paying the light bill.
Thank you.” Know what I mean?
When we
love someone exactly as they are, it doesn’t mean that we have no boundaries where
they're involved. It doesn’t mean that they (or we) have free reign to do
whatever we fancy. It means that you care enough about them and about the
relationship to shelter it with boundaries—to say, this is acceptable, that is
not; this is negotiable, that is not. Love doesn’t mean being a doormat. In
fact, it means being equal partners, respecting one another’s needs for space
and privacy, asking for what you want, saying where you draw the line, and
doing all that without casting blame or shame. When there’s an argument, talk
it out; negotiate, don't escalate.
Let
your beloved know what, specifically, you expect from them and
from the relationship if it is to survive the assaults on its integrity. Because
there will be assaults from without and from within as the years come and go
and time flows by. As the relationship grows, changes are necessary, it’s like repairing
the appliances in your kitchen—when you’re down two eyes on the stove, and the
freezer thaws on its own, it’s time to call in technical support. You wouldn’t
wing-it when your refrigerator needs repair, so have the same respect for your relationship.
Get some help.
As Mr.
Rogers said, “Love is an active noun.” It is something you do as well as
something you feel. And its depth and duration depend upon the “doing” part of
that equation.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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