Friendship
“Don’t
walk in front of me…I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me…I may not lead. Walk
beside me…just be my friend.”
Albert
Camus
Friendship
is a lifeline for human beings of any age. From birth to death, we need friends
to lead healthy happy lives. But just like every other decision we make, sometimes
we get it wrong. Sometimes we attract people to us who turn out to be toxic. Like
us, our friends are human beings with flaws.
I read
an article this morning on YouTango by Sharon Livingston, titled: "12 Types of Negative People That Lead to One-Sided Toxic Friendships." As I was reading through this
list, I realized two things: I have encountered many of these traits in others,
and I have also embodied many of them myself. Like I say, we all have flaws.
Friendships are never perfect, but they should not cause you to feel shame, or
discouragement, or dread. There is a balancing act in assessing the predominance
of feelings engendered by friends—on balance, are they positive, or negative? If
the answer is positive, then we learn to overlook the negative traits, but if the
answer is negative, then we may want to consider letting that friendship go.
Here is
the list, with my abbreviated explanations:
The Faultfinder:
always criticizes you; finds fault with how you look, what you wear, what you
say. This friend may do it in an aggressive way, or in a passive way—dropping little
verbal sidebars that somehow you aren’t up to snuff. Either way, if you feel hurt
by them, especially repeatedly, that’s detrimental to your health.
The Therapist:
always gives advice unsolicited. Boy, does this one walk all over me. We want
to help, and when someone tells us their problem, it is instinctual to offer advice. But what it amounts to in the end is criticism—do this, don’t do that. “If
you’d listened to me…”
The Self-Absorbed:
This friend is the one who never stops talking about themselves. If you manage
to get a word in, they will automatically turn the conversation back to
themselves. What a bore.
The Copy-Cat:
On one hand, it can feel flattering to have a friend want to copy you, but
overtime, it becomes annoying. In my younger days, I took on other people’s regional
accents and manner of speaking. I tried to dress, and act like them. When you’re
a teenager, this is “neurotypical” but later in life, it’s just sad and
dependent. As a friend, it creates a barrier to authentic communication.
The Promise Breaker:
If you have a friend who makes plans with you and almost always cancels at the
last minute, or who makes plans but then forgets them, assume that they truly
don’t want to be with you. If it happens only once, maybe; twice, perhaps. Three
times—that’s a pattern.
The Risk Taker:
If your friend is doing risky things and expecting you to engage too, don’t. If
that risky behavior becomes typical, it’s probably good to step away until they
get it under control.
The Competitor:
Competition is healthy when it energizes both people to do their best. But it
is not healthy when it turns cut-throat and mean-spirited. If someone competes
for your spouse, your job, your other friends, that’s a bridge too far.
The Energy Vampire:
We’ve all been energy vamps from time to time. And we’ve all experienced being
drained by friends who are going through challenging times, but if it’s a
lifestyle, if their presence always drains you, limit your time with them. And if
it’s a personality trait, step away.
The Abuser: If
someone is saying abusive things to you, or hurting you physically, emotionally,
or sexually, it goes without saying that you should free yourself from this
person at once.
The Double-Crosser:
Some people are so competitive, or so desperate, that they will use your
friendship as a means of double crossing you, of stealing your power to enhance
themselves. Beware the sweet-talker, the secret-teller, the word-twister. Trust
is a beautiful thing when it’s real but can destroy your life when it’s not.
The Controller:
If it’s their way or the highway, in all circumstances and in all situations,
show them the door. If there is no balance of give and take, there is no real
friendship.
The Downer:
Again, I’ve so been the person who can always take you down. Even on a bright
sunny day, even eating ice cream, this friend can insert depressing and dark words and
ideas into the conversation. You always walk away from them questioning your
reasons to live. Don’t involve yourself with this person again—even if it’s me.
Well,
there you have it. Toxic friends and acquaintances. I’m naming and claiming all
these traits at certain times in my life. I’ve encountered them in all my
friends from time to time. The question is, how much of the time? Most of the
time, only occasionally, never? Is the behavior something you understand, or
does it mystify you? How often do you come away from them feeling hurt and
ashamed? Choosing friendships that will help you learn new things and grow is
important. Continuing to be around people who harm your self-esteem or hurt
your feelings, isn’t.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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