Fuel
Connection
“Empathy
fuels connection while sympathy drives disconnection.”
Brene
Brown
Dr.
Brene Brown describes the difference between empathy and sympathy as “feeling
with” as opposed to “feeling for.” Empathy, she says, involves the ability to
take the perspective of another person, to see the world through their eyes,
and to withhold judgement. One recognizes the emotions the other person feels
and communicates them in an authentic way. If you truly can’t relate to what
someone is feeling, it’s best to say, “I don’t know what you’re feeling right
now, but I’m so glad you told me.”
Sympathy
on the other hand, steps back from the feelings of another person. It may begin
with “at least, you have…” and that is not connection. It’s as though you said,
“Boy, I’m glad I don’t feel that way. Please keep it to yourself.” It’s a way
of asking someone to “move on” or “get over it” when they clearly aren’t ready
to do either. That response feels like rejection. We all feel the uncomfortable
with someone else’s emotions at times, and we may not want the other person to
bring us down if we’re feeling good. Their emotions may seem like a burden to
us. Sympathy almost always involves some degree of judgement— “Well, if you
didn’t do so and so, maybe you’d be happier.” Sympathy is far more common than
empathy because it’s our default position. Empathy requires a conscious choice
and takes practice.
Most of
us, myself included, are not good at empathy. Sometimes, even when we care a
lot about the other person, we just don’t want to be drawn into their painful situation.
Maybe we don’t have the time to give it, or maybe we’re wrestling with our own problems,
or perhaps we perceive this person as having a chronic problem or attitude that
causes their problem. For example, a friend told me recently, “you always bring
up the dark side of things.” While that may be a true statement—for me, it’s
kind of hard to get away from the dark side while the world is burning down—it did
not build connections with me. And many times, I have said to other people, “At
least you can count on so and so” or “At least you have a roof over your head…”
That may be true and sound reasonable in the moment, but what it does is
discount their feelings.
Right
now, the world is not pulsing with empathy. We’re tired. We’ve endured three
years of pandemic, we are watching a meritless, unnecessary, and brutal war in
Ukraine, and we live in a toxic political environment. Those are simple truths.
It’s hard to entertain one more compassionate feeling because we just want it all
to STOP. But, as Dr. Brown says, connection IS what makes things better.
Empathetic connection makes us feel better and the other person feel better, even when it does not solve anyone’s problems. Human beings simply feel better
when they are connected at the heart with other human beings. If we are together,
we can move forward without fear. Together feels pretty good.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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