Practice
Candor
“Nothing
in the world is harder than candor and nothing is easier than flattery.”
Fyodor
Dostoyevsky (Crime and Punishment)
One of
the four tenets for civility is candor according to Jon Meacham. Candor
involves honesty and clarity without rancor. There is a great artistry to saying
what needs to be said in a way that can be heard, especially when what you have
to say is critical. That’s why, most of the time, we tend to speak nonsense to
one another—it’s safer. When I was in the gym riding my mandatory 15 minutes on
Tuesday, I overheard many “conversations” that said nothing: “Hey man, good to
see you!” “Good to see you too, man. It’s been a while.” Yeah, what you been up
to, dude?” “Nothin’ much, you know, same ol’ same ol’.” Thankfully, they ran
out of platitudes quickly and went on with their business. I know this is
typical social behavior, but still…
Candor
means simply speaking your truth clearly and honestly. We got a master class on
it during the Senate hearings for Ketanji Brown Jackson—she was clear, she was
thoughtful, and she showed immense control in not reacting to provocation. On
the other hand, there were many demonstrations of incivility and disrespect on
the part of several panel members—not for anything the Judge had said or done,
but because somehow being a bully is now mistaken for leadership. Being able to
say what you need to say honestly without causing another person to put up
their defenses is an exceptional skill and Judge Jackson has it.
Candor
is tricky when talking about a touchy subject to a friend or loved one, especially
when there’s something you need to say that you know will be difficult to hear.
Unless your goal is to wound that person in the process, it’s smart to choose
your words carefully. That’s a lesson I have failed to learn so many times I
can’t count them. It helps if you have been raised by people with good manners,
who still know how to be direct. That was not the case for me, nor for many
others. There is a difference between being diplomatic and being dishonest.
Southern women learn how to use flattery and sweetness to camouflage disgust
quite early and well. Unfortunately, my tendency is to open my mouth and say
whatever is on my mind without censorship—such a big mistake. That triggers the
defenses of the other person; you can watch the shields go up and the
battlelines being drawn. Good relationships depend upon good communication, and
good communication is not aggressive.
Candor
is sorely lacking today—we’ve gotten sloppy in the way we speak to one another—at
least I have. A good practice is to think before you speak. How would you want this
to be said to you? Is there a way to say it with compassion? As with
everything, practice makes perfect. Hope your diplomatic skills are showcased today.
Hope mine are, too.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
No comments:
Post a Comment