Being
the Strong One
“It’s
amazing how giving some people can be…No matter what’s going on in their own
life, they’re always there for everybody else…But who is there for them?”
Matt
Clark (“When You’re Tired of Always Being the Strong One,” Walking the
Shoreline, March 2, 2015)
There
is an upside to always being “the strong one.” Everybody respects your ability
to rise to the occasion. They know that they can just step back, and you will
handle it, and not only handle it, but do a great job. When people get into a
jam, and need help, they know exactly who to call—you! No matter what you are
doing, or what is going on in your own life, you will be there for them. So,
everybody loves you, speaks kindly of you, and appreciates your helpfulness.
There
is a downside to always being “the strong one.” Since everybody expects you to
handle any situation, when you can’t, or when you fail, they are not very kind
about it. When you are tired or sick, everyone just assumes you will rise above
and get the job done anyway. If it’s a situation that impacts you personally,
you aren’t allowed to break down or even have a normal grief reaction. You must
be “strong” in the face of all obstacles. There’s no rest for a warrior.
And
there’s a dark side to always being “the strong one.” It’s codependent. Always
stepping up and taking the helm is a form of controlling behavior. If you are
always “the strong one,” how do you view all those “less than strong ones?” Not
very positively, I would guess. Lazy or incompetent, at best, or, no-good,
bums, at worst. How many times have you heard, “If you want something done
right, you’d better do it yourself?” How many times have you said it?
Some of
us are addicted to being the strong one. It’s the addiction of enablers. I can
speak to this since it came as mother’s milk to me. Some of us have been
groomed and trained from birth to be that (so called) “strong one.” Instead of
feeling good about ourselves simply because we are decent people, we feel
terrible for letting anyone down for anything at any time. But we’re tired and
don’t know how to rest.
If you
are the designated strong one in your family or community, here are some
suggestions for taking care of yourself. They come from Judy Tiesel-Jensen, at
YourTango: “The Downside to Being the Strong One.” She suggests that you take a
break: 1) Don’t do the thing that’s being asked of you. Don’t automatically
volunteer; let someone else take the job. 2) Ask what’s in it for you. What do
you hope to gain from always being so helpful—not for the other person—but for
yourself. Be honest with yourself. 3) Identify your fears. What might happen if
you were no longer able to be “the strong one?” Would you become invisible?
Would you no longer have a purpose? 4) Decline. For once in your life, just say
no. 5) Don’t take on expectations of others. Practice this: “I’m sorry, dear, I
just can’t help you with that right now.” Your “Always Strong Crown” may slip a
little, but that’s okay. You’ll survive. 6) Discover other parts of yourself
that have been neglected. Who knew you were a poet, an artist, a
scrap-booker—or, a biker, a walker, a dancer? Go be whatever you want to be
except for “strong.” We already know you can do that. 7) Focus on self-care. What do
you need more of? Sleep, play, time alone? Here is an adage from Psychology
circles: “You can’t draw water from an empty well.” Go replenish yourself and
then you’ll have something to give.
Being
strong sometimes looks like being weak. If you can’t stop being there for
others long enough to take care of yourself, then you might want to examine
your motives. Give yourself time for self-care and if your desire to be helpful
comes from genuine love and concern, you’ll be better prepared for the job.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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