True
Love
“You
must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
Thich
Nhat Hanh
My friend,
Rebecca and I had this conversation last night—how does one love someone and
not want to possess them? Can men and women, whether heterosexual or homosexual,
have purely platonic friendships? Relationships are so personal and individual.
Sometimes, it’s hard to know what the parameters are. And how do you navigate
relationships that are close and even deeply passionate when the two people have
different values and/or opposing politics. Tread lightly so as not to injure
either the person or the relationship.
Once in
a while, we have an encounter with another that is deeply relational, sexual,
and powerful, but it is not a relationship that we want to have become more permanent
and long-lasting. The “chemistry” is right but other things about the individual
are not sufficiently appealing to make you want to keep the relationship going indefinitely.
Is it possible to break it up and still remain friends?
I don’t
know the answers to any of these questions, but I think Thich Nhat Hanh is on
to something in the quote above. Freedom is the key. Allowing someone you love
to be themselves in all possible ways, even though their ways are diametrically
opposed to your own. Can we allow the people we love to go their own way, to
speak their own truth without fear of reprisal, to lean into their own political
views despite their absurdity in our mind?
Possessing someone is not
love. Making someone feel “lesser than” so that you can feel “better than” is
not love even when it’s couched in passion and love language. Being in perfect
alignment and agreement on almost everything, with nary a disparaging word is
not necessarily love. Being able to be with someone in a loving way despite differences
and giving them the freedom to be different from you in every way, is love. It
takes two grownup, mature, caring, and courageous people, which is why it is
very rare. If you have it, you are blessed indeed.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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