Relationship
Scrabble
“Relationships,
once they are formed, change constantly, provided there is a gradient of
creative difference…Sameness in excess assures psychic stagnation and the unnatural,
comfortable calm of no creative turmoil, whereas our differences can lead to
creative change…People are more alike than they are different, but the
differences provide the zest, the flavor and the interest in relationship.”
Thomas
Patrick Malone, MD & Patrick Thomas Malone, MD; The Art of Intimacy,
p.174-175, Simon & Schuster, 1987)
This
book by two psychiatrists, father and son, turns a lot of old wives’ tales upside
down—especially that business of opposites attract but likeness sustains.
According to them, the best and strongest relationships are between two people
who are substantially different, not because they rock along without tipping
the boat, but because they constantly stimulate change. That old adage of the
grain of sand in the oyster’s shell comes to mind.
Relationships
are exceedingly complicated—how we attract, who we are attracted to, how we
connect, what our cultural pattern dictates, and what the role expectations are
for each person. Our family of origin plays an important part, whether we are enmeshed
or distant from them. Those original relationships inform our expectations of what
our own should or should not be. The differences between partners creates
tension out of which something new emerges.
According
to the Drs. Malone, there are Behavers and there are Feelers. They assign value
to the interactions they share from opposite perspectives, and each believes their
interpretation of an experience is accurate. Each type has strengths and
weaknesses, of course. Here are some of the Malones’ findings: Feelers are
conceptual, see things in wholes, are concerned with their own inner life, and
are touch oriented. They enjoy processing, are creative, inventive, and
idealistic, but they tend to be disorganized as well. Behavers, on the other
hand, see things in parts and are overly concerned with their outer life. Thy
watch and record, look and listen. They are productive, pragmatic, practical, systematic
and time conscious. Feelers have heart sense, and behavers have head sense.
There
are many nuances of these characteristics, of course, and exceptions to the
rule, but you can see how each might have an opposing opinion the other. The
key seems to be one of attitude—how important is it for you to grow spiritually
and intellectually? How important is it to keep a debate-free household? How do
you handle being challenged? Can you appreciate people who hold an opposite
opinion to yours, and can you learn from them? How do you feel about being
wrong some of the time?
It won’t
surprise you to know that like-to-like couples are a minority. Feeler-to-behaver
couples are far and away the majority. According to the Drs. Malone, “they
are searching for in each other what they do not find in themselves.” Like-to-like
couples value quiet over growth, and relief from the strenuous work of individuation.
To the outside world, they seem more like siblings than mates. The mixed
couples typically marry their shadow and have to sort out the parameters of their
relationship in order not to be in constant conflict.
Relationships
are the crucible of the modern era. With traditional roles cast aside, relationships
are striving for balance. They are different, yes. Better, maybe. Time will
tell whether they are more stable.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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