Carrying
Anger
“The
longer I live, the more I observe that carrying around anger is the most
debilitating to the person who bears it.”
Katherine
Graham
I’ve
had a lot of experience with anger in my life. As a child, we were not allowed
to express it, even to roll our eyes or grimace. So many years of suppressed
anger built up inside me. One of the most influential books I read in my early
years of counseling was The Dance of Anger by Harriet G. Lerner, Ph.D.
published in 1985. Her intelligence and wisdom (and experience) helped me to realize that anger
can be legitimate, but also, damaging. I think, as I’ve said many times, that
anger in response to abuse is legitimate, even essential. However, holding a grudge about something that happened long ago is probably as poisonous as drinking deadly
nightshade. According to William Walton, "To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." In other words, we may be right to feel anger in the first place,
but that anger needs to be resolved as quickly as possible.
I’m not
suggesting that we suppress or repress anger to the point of denial or chronic heartburn.
I’m suggesting resolution, which involves feeling the anger, and tracing it back
to its roots before expressing it. As Jacqueline Schiff said, “The best remedy
for a short temper is a long walk.” By the time you get back, there is a
possibility that you will be able to express yourself without bile rising in
your throat (and in your words).
There’s
a lot of free-floating anger in the world today. Here in the US, the anger
barometer stays on 10,000 all the time. It’s not healthy, and it has caused us
to stop listening to each other. I’m not pointing fingers here because it’s
just as hard for me to stifle criticism as it is for anyone else. But this
anger has surpassed the debate stage and is now homicidal and suicidal—especially
as it pertains to masks and vaccines. On principle, we are risking our lives
and other people’s lives just to remain dug in on our opinions. It defies
logic.
On the
other hand, if you feel angry and suppress it, or put on an act to camouflage it,
you are betraying both yourself and others. It’s better to say (in my opinion)
to the other person, “I’m angry right now. I need to think this through before
we have this conversation.” Then take that long walk Schiff suggested.
There is an old saying
that goes, “We teach what we most need to learn.” I need to learn how to
wrestle with my anger without lashing out. I wonder if you do too. Fortunately,
life will provide us with many opportunities to practice. And all that walking
is good for body and soul.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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