Say This:

 

 I’m Sorry

“…sometimes the best thing we can do for each other is talk honestly about being wrong.”

Nadia Bolz-Weber (Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint)

          Is it hard for you to say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong,” and mean it? It is for most of us. We hate to admit that we might be wrong, that we might have mixed up our facts, we might have taken something out of context, or simply misunderstood the situation. Let’s face it, it’s hard to apologize for nearly anything. We have this ego that feels embarrassed if its wrongness is pointed out. Mine has to sulk a lot before it can admit being wrong about anything.

          I know people who always get their facts right. There was a poor boy in high school that everyone hated because he always had the correct information and did not have the social graces to keep it to himself. His name was Gene. I remember one of the teachers he’d just corrected telling him, “Shut up, Gene!” Poor Gene. It must be tough being the smartest person in the room.

          Sometimes, it’s hard to walk it back, especially when we say things in anger; things that we may mean in the moment, but that are designed to wound. We land the stinging blow, and immediately know it was a mistake to do that. Once said, some things cannot be unsaid. Saying, I’m sorry simply doesn’t cut it. What then? My advice is, keep saying it with as much honesty as you can muster. “I was angry. I just wanted to hurt you. I was wrong to do that, and I am so sorry.” How hard is that?

          The question is this: What is my hope for this relationship? Do I want to stay in it and make it better, or is protecting my ego more important? Am I willing to humble myself and make amends and then leave it up to the other person to decide whether to accept my apology? Or is it more important for me to have the final word, even knowing it will fracture this relationship?

Arguments are a normal part of close relationships, but there are humane ways of going about them. Not hitting below the belt by delivering personal insults is one of them. It is important to speak your feelings while not blaming the other for them. If you are not able to do that, ask for a few minutes to breathe and get past your desire for revenge. Don’t continue to argue until it becomes a fight—in other words, don’t escalate by returning anger for anger. And when you are wrong, when you intend to wound, apologize. Saying, “I was wrong, and I am sorry,” won’t kill you. I’ve said it a million times, and I’m still here!

In his poem, “An Essay on Criticism,” Alexander Pope wrote, “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” I would add to that, to screw up is human, to apologize for it, divine. God loves you either way, but you’ll love yourself more if you learn to say, “I’m sorry.”

                                        In the Spirit,

                                        Jane