Listening
“To
listen is to continually give up all expectation and to give our attention,
completely and freshly, to what is before us, not really knowing what we will
hear or what that will mean. In the practice of our days, to listen is to lean
in, softly with a willingness to be changed by what you hear.”
Mark
Nepo
For
several years, I have been attempting to face the facts that aging has made it
harder and harder to manage in a 2-story house. When I go to the extreme edge of
fear, and begin looking for an alternative, I invariably fall into chaos. I
dither, and hand-wring, and jack up my blood pressure—in short, I go slightly mad.
Yesterday, when I was at the pentacle of that frenzy, I called my friend, Anna,
and she walked me back from the ledge, so to speak. She was able to do that
because I listened. That may sound obvious, but I am not the world’s best
listener. I get so caught up in whatever we are talking about that I just want to
jump in and say whatever is on my mind, and often I run over people in the
process. I am an interrupter and tend to monopolize conversation. I wonder if
you have this problem, too.
We must
train ourselves to be listeners, so my New Year’s resolution is to learn to stifle
my verbal enthusiasm and become a better listener. Being a skilled listener is
not easy simply because it takes concentration and we modern humans have short
attention spans. You must listen with total focus to the words, and hear the emotional
content within the words, while also attempting to translate the body language.
The way we respond to all manner of life events is based on our history, our
fears, our feelings of competence, and our confidence in our ability to handle
difficult situations.
Most of
us have a familiar process we go through when facing such life events. For instance, my first response
to almost anything unexpected is NO. Then I proceed through denial, irritation,
annoyance, consideration, acceptance, and resignation, before I reach a place
of peace. My process usually involves a lot of sleepless nights, much sighing
and cursing, and sometimes, I go through it more than once.
Being
able to stand by and witness someone going through their process without
directing them takes a great deal of patience and self-control. It’s always
easier to figure out someone else’s best path forward than your own. Expert listening
is an in-demand and under-used skill, as rare as a dodo bird in our chit-chat
culture. Do not underestimate its power simply because it is a quiet skill. The
ability to lean in and focus your full attention on another human being, is a
potent transfer of energy. It has the power to heal both people—and that, my
friends, is no soft skill.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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