Trust
“We
are never so vulnerable as when we trust someone—but paradoxically, if we
cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.”
Walter
Anderson
My
friend, Isie, sent me the link to Brene Brown’s story about the marble jar, a metaphor
for building trust through small acts of consideration. The Marble Jar concept is based upon a
practice used in some classrooms for teaching that trustworthiness is rewarding—when
the marble jar is full because people have been kind and
considerate, the whole class is rewarded. Brene Brown has researched and
written about trust and trust-building for decades at the University of Texas,
Austin, and is author of Daring Greatly, and Dare to Lead. Both books
feature trust and vulnerability a central themes.
In his
book, Thin Book of Trust, Charles Feltman defines trust as: “Choosing
to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s action.” When
we enter into a relationship with someone else, whether in love or in business,
we make ourselves vulnerable and we need to feel we can trust them. So much of
our ability to trust someone else is based upon our ability to trust ourselves.
And we learn trust of self from our history with relationships—specifically with
our family of origin. Sounds round-about because trust is one of our most
complicated emotions. If we had a difficult childhood in which we
could not depend upon the folks who were supposed to take care of us, trust is more difficult but is still
something we can learn—even as older adults.
According
to Brene Brown’s research, here are the elements of trust-building: “1)
Boundaries—willingness to say no when necessary; 2) Reliability—you do what you
say you will; 3) Accountability—you own your mistakes; 4) Vault—you keep
confidences; 5) Integrity—you choose courage over comfort and right over fun
and easy, and you practice these values not just profess them; 6) Non-Judgement—you
ask for help when you need it and ask for what you need; 7) Generosity—of spirit
and action.” Getting burned around issues of trust can empty your marble
jar for sure, but slowly, gradually, you can fill it back up. Especially, if you trust
yourself.
In a society that bonds
around shared secrets and information (i.e. gossip), we struggle to balance these
competing values—how do I bond with someone without telling stories that are
not mine to tell? For me, at least, this is the hardest part of trust building—as
someone who loves stories, being a container for other people’s good stories is
a challenge. Sometimes I fail. God knows I am still a work in progress. I
would guess that you are, too. Which means that we can be gentle with ourselves
and each other. I am learning to ask if I may share this story, especially if I
want to use it in this blog.
Establishing clear boundaries
while still trusting is difficult for humans; we are, after all, warm-blooded
mammals who want to be close to others of our species. We need to be able to trust
them to achieve that, and we do it by being trustworthy ourselves.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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