Being
You
“What
someone else thinks of you is none of your business.”
12-step
saying
A few months ago, I
hosted a party for a friend. The guests were young and old and all
degrees in between. Three old friends were there—all in their
eighties now, and a couple of them always have a cigarette when they
get together. I had set up the porch with candles and ashtrays and
let folks know they were welcome to go outside and smoke. A couple of
hours into the party one of the elders pulled me aside and told me
she was dying for a cigarette, and I explained again that the porch
was all set up for her. To my great surprise she said, “Oh, no, I
couldn't possibly let [her friend] see me smoke a cigarette. She'd
kill me!” Here were these three people, friends for life, who do
absolutely everything together, and yet still keep secrets for fear
of being judged. What is up with that? How often do we find ourselves
checking our tongues, hiding our habits, to keep from speaking our
truth or doing something that might offend someone else. Sometimes,
we need to figure out how to speak ourselves without using
intentionally offensive language—at least, I do—but when we begin
to fall into a pattern of holding back, and hiding what is authentic
to us, we harm our relationships.
I've written before about
the communication skills tool called the Johari Window. The Johari
Window is made up of four equal quadrants: 1) Open space—contains
information known to you and known to others. 2) Blind
Spot—information known to others but not to you. 3) Hidden
Area—information known to you and hidden from others. 4) Unknown
Area—information unknown to you, or as yet undiscovered about
yourself, and equally unknown to others. It is an effective tool for
getting people to talk to others about themselves, conveying
information of which the other has no knowledge. The goal of the
Johari Window exercise is to move as much information as possible
into the Open Space, thus increasing its size in comparison to the
others. Of course, there will be lots of information that we don't
share, and shouldn't. But if we want others to feel that they know us
well enough to call us friend, then we have to move some of our
hidden “stuff” into the Open Space. It's a matter of telling
others about yourself, and listening to feedback they give you about
their impressions of you. It provides a great opportunity to deepen
relationships and gather information about how other people see you.
But it's meant to be a sharing tool, and not a judging tool.
If we have enough
trust-capital built up in a relationship, we can be ourselves and say
what we think without censorship. We can also evaluate other's
feedback about us to see if we want to incorporate it into our
self-image. That helps us not to hear everything as a judgment or a
criticism, but simply as important information to be considered. Part
of becoming whole is being willing to share not only your
good-smart-competent-self with others, but also your sketchy-self, your ugly-self, your-fearful self, and your dumb-self. The more
you do, the more you'll stop judging yourself and everyone else who
falls short of perfection.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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