Nurture
Relationships
“...They
had built those faults into the usual messy, comfortable, patched-up,
beautiful structure that any functioning long-term relationship ended
up being.”
Joseph
Fink
In one of his “Weekly
Intention” posts, Mark Nepo asked us to, “Describe what is at
the center for you in a long-standing relationship.” Many of us
have friendships and love relationships that have endured for
decades, and that we know will go on until death. Family
relationships are among these, though we usually think of them as
somehow different. I'm not so sure that's true.
We all have family
members we don't see very often, but we still care about from a
distance. There may be no animus between us, but our lives don't
intersect very often—our connection is blood, which is a strong
link. Sometimes, distance is a factor, but not always. Some family
members, we stay in close contact with, regardless of the distance.
The difference is usually based on shared lives going back to
childhood; we spent more time together, and our families were more
involved with one another. Sometimes, we have a shared worldview, and
sometimes, we have almost nothing in common other than DNA. Long-term
family relationships never disappear, but they can grow remote—like
islands that are not within eye-shot of each other, but are connected
as an archipelago. When families are close-knit, however, we run into
the same sorts of problems encountered in other intimate
relationships. We can get on each other's last nerve.
Love relationships go
through many changes over time—from infatuation and perception of the other as the “ideal” man or woman, to noticing little habits and
traits that aggravate us, to screaming, “Who the heck is this
person!?” We almost always arrive at the point when we say, “This
is not the man/woman I fell in love with.” And that is true
enough—the person we fell in love with was pure projection of our
own ideas of perfection. Now, suddenly, they have faults which are
not appreciated. Irritating little things accumulate over time, and
wear down our patience. There are several junctures when we have to
ask ourselves, “What is at the center of my attachment to this
person?” Is it based in fear, or is it based in love? Does my love
for them take precedent, and because of that, I can overlook these
flaws? Or, is this relationship broken to the point that it cannot be
patched up? Do we stay or do we go?
Friendships, too, are
intimate relationships. Sometimes, they are more intimate than our
love-relationships, because we are honest with friends in ways that
we aren't with lovers. We tell them our secret fears and hopes, our
disgust and rejection, our doubts. We're real with friends, and
reveal ourselves to them without the veils we wear with lovers and
family members. Communication is more forthright and uncluttered with
falsehoods designed to support or prop-up their insecurities.
Friendships, too, can run into problems that have to be worked
through. A careless word, a period of time when we are too
distracted to give them our attention, an unfortunate response that
wounds. Long-term friendships form strong, flexible bonds that can be
untangled and set right.
Let's face it,
relationships are the super-glue of a good life. They make life rich or
they make it painful, but they are what we live for and thrive on. In all intimate relationships, communication is key. We must be authentic in the way we speak ourselves, or there is no relationship. Learning to say what needs to be said in a way the can be heard is an art and a science. It takes a lifetime to perfect.
This is a week for giving thanks, and relationships are a good place
to begin. They force us to grow, they enrich our experience, they
stretch and expand us. Thanks be to God for every one of them.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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